United States of America

Message to Readers

Final Edits.

A Letter To The Girl I Never Was

April 16, 2017

Dear Dead Name,
Your long black hair is still woven
Between the spines of my old hairbrush,
Which I can't seem to throw away
Even though I will never need it again.
It still has something of you left.
What can I say,
I'm sentimental.
Even though I thought you were gone,
The world still sees you before it sees me.
Sometimes I still can catch glimpses of you in car windows,
Or I get told that I would looked better as you
By family whose eyes scream their mindset of mourning.
They still gift you dresses for Christmas,
They give them to me.
They want you back so badly. 
But hell, 
Those people,  
They never knew you.  
They never knew you didn't like dresses in the first place. 

Dear Dead Name,
I'm sorry I had to force you away for me to exist.
I never imagined the possibility of your death,
Out there.
You died slowly.
A lot of people still don't know.
I'm sorry every day my mind is still stuck on
The idea of pawning your belongings away.
I want to sell your hips
Re-gift your soft cheeks,
Destroy your high voice.
I want to place your breasts in a box
And put it on the top shelf of the closet,
That I've already had to come out of.
Maybe give them to someone else who needs them,
The same way I need them gone.

Dear Dead Name,
I am so not fucking sorry.
Every moment that I am alive,
Is a second you would've killed yourself.
I know you tried,
More than once,
More than a couple times.
You tried to destroy me,
Even though I was inevitable.
There was evidence of me in the bandages you wore
To bed, on your chest and on your wrists.
My ribs suffered for you,
I still cannot breathe properly,
and my rib cage is fucking weirdly shaped.
I wrote the first half of your name in the steam on my mirror.
Just to remember the way the letters
Of your name felt on my fingertips.
I could not finish.
I could feel you trying to force your way out
Through my eyes as liquid memory.

Dear Dead Name,
What I am trying to say here is I never hated you.
I loved you just enough to let you go.  
You did a lot for me
And as I get closer to myself,
You get further away from me.
Sometimes I still mourn
Over the children you will never bear,
The life you will never have,
Over every person who will never love
This body. 
Was I right? 
To put you out of all you misery? 

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  • Aussie23

    I'd say something like congratulations, but I have no words I am happy for you yes I am but I don't know what you had to go through either I love this piece is all I can say I guess.

    almost 2 years ago
  • Bo

    You deserved to win. I was looking through the entries when I submitted mine, and yours struck my eye. When I saw the title of the winning poem I knew that they had made the right decision.

    about 2 years ago
  • Kaitlyn ❄

    Also, I love your work. Love love love all of it. It speaks to me in an amazing way even though I'm not transgender.

    over 2 years ago
  • Kaitlyn ❄

    Congratulations and great job!

    over 2 years ago
  • Emma Emerald

    CONGRATS How Beautiful !

    over 2 years ago
  • PineappleGirl



    over 2 years ago
  • old

    This is so amazing - you definitely deserved to win!

    over 2 years ago
  • m a r g a r e t


    over 2 years ago
  • Zo

    Loved your piece, transgender agenda i see!

    almost 3 years ago