Peer Review by yapyapxy (Singapore)

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Sick

By: Max Berry


FREE WRITING

I'm sick of the Universe
Or rather, I'm sick of trying
Trying to take every little thing,
A song on the radio, a beam of sunlight
And apply it to how I should live my life

How selfish do I have to be
To think everything the Universe the does
Is for my benefit?

Shouldn't I be saying
"No please Universe, skip me today
Go save that five-year-old with cancer"

But of course I don't

Of course I shout in an empty room
Shout for a trail of breadcrumbs
To do all of my work for me

"Shut up and think"
The Universe says
"You know what you want"

Funny
The Universe's voice sounds a lot like my own


 


Message to Readers

Could this benefit from punctuation? If so, where? And are there any places you would structure or word things differently?


Peer Review

"I'm sick of the Universe" As a bold statement, it makes for a strong start. I feel that this line could benefit from a full stop added to the end which would add on to the finality of this statement.


Humour, because of the twist at the end. (I really liked it)


The classic question: what inspired this? At first, I thought that the speaker was physically ill, hence having the petulant attitude but after re-reading I thought maybe it alluded to the mindset, or the speaker's state of being sick of the Universe. (or maybe I'm reading too much into the title)


Reviewer Comments

I loved the unlikely attitude of the speaker, and how the poem changes its line of thought at the end. I thought it was a nice addition of positivity which contrasted with the previous stanzas. :-)

Keep writing and keep up the great work!