Peer Review by Ash (United States)

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Ossibus: The city made of bones

By: Maeghan Bielski


Forget bricks and mortar, stones and sand--in this city, bones of all shapes and sizes, of all species of animals, form the greatest buildings in the world. Laborores dusted in white turn over graves--in a very logical pattern--to makes this city as great as New York City once was or London or Tokoyo. When one enters this city, their eyes are met with milky white skyscrapers and hundreds of houses--the pathways are paved with skulls. Some of the homes are beginning to crumble apart; bones are beginning to crumble to dust and there is an eery quietness hovering above the city, even as it bustles with life. Now, after entering through a catheral-like gate, stretching hundreds of feet tall, held together by sinew and tissue, let's enter into one of the houses. Dirt covers the floors, a thin layer of crumbled bone dusts the floor. Turn on the faucet and a stream of water drips down the drain--but not clear water--a whitish water that swirls in cirlces, with mysterious bits floating spaciously in it (perhaps they are bits of bone?). Brittle bone sheets cover hard mattresses--as those who live here are made of bones themselves.



Message to Readers

Any kind of review is great! I just want to keep improving my writing :)


Peer Review

First line. I like how you start listing all the things that the city isn't made of before finally saying what it is made of.


Eerie, mysterious, creepy, very much incorporating all aspects of the word 'dead.'


Perhaps the founder. Why would skeletons make houses out of bone?


Reviewer Comments

You repeat the word "dust" a lot. Use a synonym. Besides that, I love the city! You gave very detailed descriptions and I appreciate that.