Peer Review by Aria Baldi (United States)

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Nalani

By: Katie R. Goates


FREE WRITING

A tan-skinned girl ran her hand over her curly, light brown hair. She tip-toed quietly down the sandy beach, a smile on her lips. The girl carefully stepped around coarse patches of grass, making sure they didn’t jab her bare feet. She scaned the beach for a smooth place to lay out her blanket. Finding a good spot, she laid back and closed her eyes, listening contently to the sound of water lapping against the shore and crickets chirping.

A shadow over the moon made her open them again. High up in the sky an owl hooted. She smiled up at the night sky and the quivering stars. She smelled rain in the air and felt the rough sand under her back and the breeze caressing her face.

The girl didn’t know how long she slept before she woke to the sound of a blood-chilling howling in the distance.  She sat up. The sky was void of the moon or stars and she couldn’t see anything but intense blackness. She could hear faint thunder. Another howl came, closer this time.

The wind picked up making her eyes sting as the temperature dropped. Fat rain drops were like needles on her soft skin and she could feel cold fear slowly start to grip her heart. Her breathing and the beat of her heart began to quicken. The Howling came from right inside the jungle and lightning flashed in the sky as dark, bulky figures surrounded her.

The girl stood and tried to run from them. She only went three feet before a tug on her ankles made her fall forward. She cried out in pain as the metal around her ankles cut into her skin. She frantically reached toward her feet and fingered icy, heavy shackles around her ankles covered in her own blood.

The temperature continued to drop, and the raindrops turned to ice daggers and tore at her skin. The sea rose, soaking her to the bone with freezing water. A giant figure rose out of the depths and snached her off the ground. Her ankles burned. Her screams were drowned out by the thunder that pounded through her skull. The giant hand squeezed her rib cage, emptying out her lungs. They plunged under water. She held her breath until she no longer could under the deep black water. She slipped into unconsciousness.


This is the prologue to a book I started writing.


Message to Readers

Here is my third revision of this prologue. Please give me honest tips so that I can make it better :)


Peer Review

"Fat rain drops were like needles on her soft skin and she could feel cold fear slowly start to grip her heart. Her breathing and the beat of her heart began to quicken." This Sentence stand out the most to me because it really catches the attention and holds it, almost like the fear is gripping your heart too!


Honestly, the feeling I am left with is awe, and wondering what's next! I just want more!


The question I would ask this Author would be, why is she so happy at first?


Reviewer Comments

This piece of work is really eye catching, the sentences are usually really clear and crisp, the grammar is very well done, and this author has got talent! Keep writing and great job!