Peer Review by David M. (United States)

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Nalani

By: Katie R. Goates


FREE WRITING

A tan-skinned girl ran her hand over her curly, light brown hair. She tip-toed quietly down the sandy beach with a smile on her lips. She looked along the beach for a smooth place to lay out her blanket. The girl carefully stepped around coarse patches of grass, making sure they didn’t jab her bare feet. She laid back and closed her eyes, listening contently to the sound of water lapping against the shore and crickets chirping.

A shadow over the moon made her open them again. High up in the sky an owl hooted. She smiled up at the night sky and the quivering stars. She smelled rain in the air and felt the rough sand under her back and the breeze caressing her face.

The girls didn’t know how long she slept before she woke to the sound of a blood chilling howling in the distance.  She sat up. The sky was void of the moon or stars and she couldn’t see anything but intense blackness. She could hear faint thunder. Another howl came, closer this time.

The wind picked up making her eyes sting and the temperature dropped. Fat rain drops were like needles on her soft skin and she could feel cold fear slowly start to grip her heart. Howling came from right inside the jungle and lightning flashed in the sky as bulky, dark figures surrounded her.

The girl stood and tried to run from them. She only went three feet before a tug on her ankles Made her fall forward. She cried out in pain as the metal around her ankles cut into her skin. She frantically reached toward her feet and fingered frozen, heavy shackles around her ankles covered in her own blood.

As the temperature continued to drop, the raindrops turned to ice daggers tore her skin. The sea roze soaking her to the bone with freezing water. A giant figure roze out of the sea and snached her off the ground. Her ankles seared. Her screams were drowned out by the thunder. The giant hand squeezed her rib cage, emptying out her lungs. They plunged under water. She held her breath until she could no longer and they were deep under water and she slipped into unconsciousness.


This is the prologue to a book I started writing.


Message to Readers

Here's a prologue that inspired me to start writing a book. Please tell me what you think.


Peer Review




Reviewer Comments

Very interesting! You do a good job of introducing your character, establishing an idyllic scene, and then shattering that in a way that makes me want to learn more about the world and about the characters and forces involved. There are few grammar things to look at, but please continue writing this story!