Peer Review by smelly (United States)

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By: Kallie Moe


A tan-skinned girl ran her hand over her curly, light brown hair. Her lips curled upward in a pleasant smile as she tip-toed quietly down the sandy beach, looking for a smooth place to lay out her blanket. She deftly stepped around coarse patches of grass, careful to make sure they didn’t jab her bare feet.
The girl lay back and closed her eyes, listening contently to the sound of water lapping against the shore and crickets chirping. A shadow over the moon made her open them again. High up in the sky, an owl hooted. She smiled up at the night sky and the quivering stars. She smelled distant rain in the air and felt the rough sand under her back and the breeze caressing her face. All was serenity.

The sound of a blood-chilling howl wrenched the girl from her peaceful slumber. She sat up with a start and opened her eyes. The sky was void of the moon and stars; she couldn’t see anything but intense blackness. Fear wrapped it's icy fingers around her heart. Another howl came, closer this time. 
The wind was angry and cold. It threw pieces of hair across her face and made her eyes sting. Thunder bellowed and seemed to shake the earth. Fat raindrops fell, piercing her soft skin like ice needles. Howling came from somewhere nearby, right inside the jungle. Lightning flashed. It illuminated the silhouettes of bulky, dark figures surrounding her.
Her instincts told her to run. The girl stood and tried to run from them. She felt a jolt on her ankles. She screamed in pain as the metal around her ankles cut into her skin, but she was downed out by the sound of thunder and howling. She fell to the ground. She frantically reached toward her feet and felt frozen, heavy shackles around her ankles covered in her own blood.
The temperature dropped farther. The raindrops turned ice and felt like daggers tearing her skin. The sea crept up the sand, soaking her to the bone with freezing water. She watched, helpless, in horror as immense, dark figure rose out of the sea, only seen by illumination from violent jets of lightning. The hulking figure reached towards the sky and bellowed in rage. It snatched her off of the ground and into the air. Her ankles seared. She flailed and screamed in terror. Her cries, useless, were drowned out by the thunder. The giant hand squeezed her rib cage, emptying out her lungs. Her lungs collapsed. She couldn't breath. They plunged under water. She held her breath until she could no longer and they were deep underwater and she slipped into unconsciousness.

Message to Readers

I would love some constructive feedback! I want to make this the best I can.

Peer Review

"The sound of a blood-chilling howl wrenched the girl from her peaceful slumber." This sentence shows a shift in the story; going from serene to dangerous.

I would love to know how it ends! Does the girl live? What caused the monsters to come after her? I would love to read a sequel to this.

What was your inspiration for this piece? It was very creative and enjoyable.

Reviewer Comments

Please write a sequel. :)