Peer Review by when_breaks_the_dawn_light (United States)

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When you See a Red Light. . . *PLEASE REVIEW* *EDITED VERSION*

By: #LemonFanatic!


"Ugh, a red light" I muttered under my breath, " I got no time for this foolishness!"

  "We have a 21 year old male in ICU with a decreased level of conciseness and a severe head injury,"
  "How's his breathing?"
  "Checking."
  "Breathing?
   "None"

                                         
  "Hey Jaron."
  "Hey, how do you know me and why do you look just like me, but older?"
  "I am you, and I'm here to warn you. When you see a red light, always stop!"
  "Hey, wait older me where'd you go?" 

  12 years later

  "Ugh, a red light" I muttered under my breath, "" I got no time for this foolishness!"


 

Please Review!!

Message to Readers

PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!


Peer Review

The opening sentence is draws you in. We all can relate to being stuck at a red light when we are in a hurry to be somewhere.


I really like how you implied that someone ran a red light, got in an accident, survived, got advice from their older self, but then apparently forgot that advice and runs a red light again. it brings the story full circle, and I'm left speculating what happens after the character runs the red light for the second time. nice job :)


The middle section seemed rather vague and out-of-sync with the rest of the story. Is this supposed to be the 21 year old male or someone else who is in danger of running a red light?


You have a really interesting idea here. Keep building on it and I can't wait to see where you take it. Hope this helps. Have any questions, please ask.


Reviewer Comments

Feel free to completely disregard everything I have said. Its your story.
Good luck in the competition!

-when_breaks_the_dawn_light