Peer Review by WhoTalksLikeMe (United States)

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When you See a Red Light. . . *PLEASE REVIEW* *EDITED VERSION*

By: #LemonFanatic!


"Ugh, a red light" I muttered under my breath, " I got no time for this foolishness!"

  "We have a 21 year old male in ICU with a decreased level of conciseness and a severe head injury,"
  "How's his breathing?"
  "Checking."
  "Breathing?
   "None"

                                         
  "Hey Jaron."
  "Hey, how do you know me and why do you look just like me, but older?"
  "I am you, and I'm here to warn you. When you see a red light, always stop!"
  "Hey, wait older me where'd you go?" 

  12 years later

  "Ugh, a red light" I muttered under my breath, "" I got no time for this foolishness!"


 

Please Review!!

Message to Readers

PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!


Peer Review

The fact that there were the words "red light" and "foolishness" in the same sentence really made me want to read more, since that's never something I've heard someone say!


At the moment, the story is a little too scattered to pull an idea out of it. There are four different scenes without enough tying them together. If you make the story a little more connected, I think it would be easier to do this (plant an idea or question without explaining fully). Let me know if you need any help with this, I'm happy to answer any questions :)


Yes--the middle section. There's no explanation to who it is in the ICU, and then it's implied that that person dies. Is Jaron the one saying "Ugh, a red light" and then being in the ICU? Wouldn't that mean Jaron was dead? Clearing that up a little would make the whole story a little easier to understand.


I know I put a lot of feedback into this one, but you've got a really great setup for this piece and I think if you work a little more on it, it will be a really compelling and interesting story!


Reviewer Comments

Hopefully this is what you were looking for! Reach out if you have any questions--I'm always happy to help.
Any suggestions given here are just that--suggestions! Feel free to take them/not take them as you like.
Best of luck on the competition and I'm looking forward to the next draft!
--Carter