Peer Review by mnesic writer (United States)

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When you See a Red Light. . . *PLEASE REVIEW* *EDITED VERSION*

By: #LemonFanatic!


"Ugh, a red light" I muttered under my breath, " I got no time for this foolishness!"

  "We have a 21 year old male in ICU with a decreased level of conciseness and a severe head injury,"
  "How's his breathing?"
  "Checking."
  "Breathing?
   "None"

                                         
  "Hey Jaron."
  "Hey, how do you know me and why do you look just like me, but older?"
  "I am you, and I'm here to warn you. When you see a red light, always stop!"
  "Hey, wait older me where'd you go?" 

  12 years later

  "Ugh, a red light" I muttered under my breath, "" I got no time for this foolishness!"


 

Please Review!!

Message to Readers

PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!


Peer Review

This story starts right into the action of the story and also uses dialogue that doesn't necessarily invite immediate attention to the danger of what is about to happen. There is mystery with the reader's initiate ease of reading this sentence and I really love how you set up this complexity.


After the second section of dialogue, the reader can suppose that Jaron did indeed, get into a wreck. And by the next line, this is proved correct since the location is at a hospital.


As I mentioned in one of the highlights, I wasn't sure about the other doctor/nurse and when or even if they left the room, but if they didn't, I'd really like to see (or read) their response to the peculiar scene in front of them. Also, I would work on the structure of this story because there are a lot of time and scene changes, so I would just be aware of where you add separation between paragraphs, and where you don't.


I like how you turned the wish of meeting your future self and putting a dangerous twist on it, it really adds to the suspicion and brings a new understanding of if we truly want to meet our future selves. The message you have here keeps the reader thinking after reading this story.


Reviewer Comments

If you have any more questions, don't hesitate to ask! And of course, these are all suggestions for you to take or leave. I wish you good luck in the competition and have a good day/night :)