Peer Review by Coolgirl (I will review ANYTHING!) (United States)

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When you See a Red Light. . . *PLEASE REVIEW* *EDITED VERSION*

By: #LemonFanatic!


"Ugh, a red light" I muttered under my breath, " I got no time for this foolishness!"

  "We have a 21 year old male in ICU with a decreased level of conciseness and a severe head injury,"
  "How's his breathing?"
  "Checking."
  "Breathing?
   "None"

                                         
  "Hey Jaron."
  "Hey, how do you know me and why do you look just like me, but older?"
  "I am you, and I'm here to warn you. When you see a red light, always stop!"
  "Hey, wait older me where'd you go?" 

  12 years later

  "Ugh, a red light" I muttered under my breath, "" I got no time for this foolishness!"


 

Please Review!!

Message to Readers

PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!


Peer Review

I think the first few lines are perfect to draw the reader in, but maybe you could change them to make them connect with the rest of the piece more. For instance, how about making it "My fingers drummed against the steering wheel. I started muttering under my breath. 'I got no time for this foolishness!'" Then, in the last few lines, you could change those to "I pressed harder into the gas pedal. 'Oh, forget it! What's running one red light gonna do?'"


I think the power of suggestion is done well, but it could be a little more subtle. Some of the lines could be changed so that it's more "show" than "tell." I think the second paragraph did an excellent job of keeping it subtle and not fully explaining the idea.


I don't think there was any part that left me confused. It was pretty straightforward.


I think it's a really interesting concept and I'm excited to see where you go with it!


Reviewer Comments

For the third paragraph, I would ask you to increase the subtlety. For instance, maybe change it to
"Hey, Jaron."
"Who ... are you?"
"I'm your future self and I came to warn you. When you see a red light, always stop!"
"What? Hey, wait. Wait! Where are you going?"
That way, the reader understands the story by reading in between the lines. :)
Awesome writing! Keep up the good work!