Peer Review by Yellow Sweater (United States)

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When you See a Red Light. . . *PLEASE REVIEW* *EDITED VERSION*

By: #LemonFanatic!


"Ugh, a red light" I muttered under my breath, " I got no time for this foolishness!"

  "We have a 21 year old male in ICU with a decreased level of conciseness and a severe head injury,"
  "How's his breathing?"
  "Checking."
  "Breathing?
   "None"

                                         
  "Hey Jaron."
  "Hey, how do you know me and why do you look just like me, but older?"
  "I am you, and I'm here to warn you. When you see a red light, always stop!"
  "Hey, wait older me where'd you go?" 

  12 years later

  "Ugh, a red light" I muttered under my breath, "" I got no time for this foolishness!"


 

Please Review!!

Message to Readers

PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!


Peer Review

The first line definitely caught my attention. Because a red light often indicates stop, it's intriguing and a little counter- intuitive to have it at the beginning of the story. It made me want to read more.


The idea that the narrator was in a car-crash was successfully and evocatively implied. The implied car crash constitutes the crux of the story's plot, which is often how life works: the circumstances are revealed to us, but we have to draw the connections on our own.


Not really. Though I would like more characterization of the narrator. I think it would make me more emotionally struck by their story.


It's already such a complete story! It's really impressive that you managed to create a whole plot in a hundred words! As someone who really struggled with plot even when I have fifty thousand words, I'm seriously impressed.


Reviewer Comments

Great job!