Peer Review by Ash (United States)

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Two Hearts

By: casamiento


On the far corner of the universe, there’s a place- well, there are 90,589,678,901 places in the universe. But this one place is special, it’s always dark. The sun never rises. Whenever you look up to they sky you find stars instead of white clouds. Stars that can go on for miles and miles. 

 

This place is located galaxy 17, section 315, solar system 9, and planet 4.73. It’s called Necronam.

 

 The habitants there have adapted to the eternal darkness. Their eyes are green-yellow, the color of the cats here on Earth. These habitants look just like us. Except… They happen to have a pocket on their chest. 

 

The pocket is automatically installed on their chest. Genetics. That’s a logical explanation. Adaption. Genes. Evolution. Genetics. It’s as natural as the air we breathe. Inside the pocket, is their one of their two hearts. One is for blood filtration. The other, the pocket one, is for feelings. Emotions. 

 

There’s a good side to this, and a bad side. They can share their hearts, because of this; they can feel each other’s feeling. In this way they understand each other better than we understand how to breathe. 

 

Their special feature obviously makes them different from us. But then, if they can feel each other’s emotions how are they different among themselves? Each heart is a different color. No two hearts, not even those of twins, are the same. 

 

When they’re born, a doctor examines their heart. They name the baby after the color of their hearts. 

 

From this we can tell, they have more colors. Colors beyond our imagination. Colors that not even a man with 100/100 vision can see. Colors that only the blind man can see. Colors from another dimension. 

 

Does it hurt to remove and insert hearts? To exchange between pockets? No, of course not.  It’s like giving a gift. But sometimes it’s like passing on a great burden.

 

Sometimes it’s like saying

“I love you.”

 

________________

 

 

There’s a boy named Zeerie on the planet. He lives in the country of Montian. To be more specific, 124 Krethtrill Way. 

 

He has never shared his heart. Not once. People like him are called ank dara. Singular: dara. But, no one has to know that he’s a dara. No one has to know he’s never shared is hearts secrets with anyone… At least he hopes no one does. 

 

His parents question and wonder, if he had friends he was sure that they’d question and wonder. The only loyal one is his kamahi, Zuko. Zuko is a black cat with goat horns and a rat’s tail. “It’s grotesque.” His mother protested one day when Zeerie claimed he wanted one. 

 

There’s a girl named Kari on the planet. She lives in the country of Mackinsien. To be more specific, 124 Kenthrith Way.

 

She has never shared her heart. Not once. People like her are called ank dara.

Singular: dara. But, no one but her has to know she’s a dara. No one has to know she has never shared her heart in her 1 century and 5 years of birth.

 

Her parents wonder and question and she’s sure if she had friends they’d probably wonder and question too. The only loyal one is her pet katari, Quet. Quet is a green and orange lizard with gills. “ “It’s fascinating!” Her father had said when she claimed she wanted one.

 

 

Zeerie’s family sent him on a trip to the city of Barnilen. Kari’s family sent her on a trip to the city of Barnilen. They both went on a trip to Barnilen, both for a camp for children the ages of 13-17 so they can learn about all the amazing animals of the city. 

 

“We’re ready for takeoff.” Said the pilot, just as Zeerie sat down. He was seated next to a girl he didn’t know. She had ginger hair and green eyes. Freckles surrounded her. Her pocket seemed new. 

 

“Hello.” She said awkwardly when she caught him staring. “I’m Kari.”

“I’m Zeerie. Your going to Barnilen too? For the Nief Camp?” he asked her.

“Yeah, my parents sent me. They think I need to heighten my animal knowledge” She laughed.

“Same with me.” He smiled. 

 

Zeerie gazed into her eyes, and she his. She smiled once more then turned quickly. Zeerie did the same. 

 

Slowly, Zeerie felt Kari move. She had something in her hand, Zeerie turned and Kari transferred the object. Zeerie felt what it was. Her heart. 

 

Zeerie gave her his. At once, the placed each others hearts in their own pockets. A rush happened. 

 

Kari felt emotions zap trough her. Zeerie felt feelings whiff through him. They felt each other’s emotions. 

 

Kari knew Zeerie felt lonely and that he found comfort in places no one else would. Cold caves, hot volcanoes, scary woods, a freezing tundra.  You get the drift.

 

Zeerie knew Kari felt unappreciated and that she saw light in the darkest of days. She thought of jokes whenever she lost a friend thought of weddings at funerals. You get the drift. 

 

It’s hard to say what happened after that. Zeerie and Kari obviously went to the camp, I hope. But no one knows. I think it’s better that way, because that’s when the war started… But that’s for another day. 

 

 

 



Message to Readers

How did you feel at the ending? Was the two point of views more helpful with understanding the plot?


Peer Review

Your world seemed really fleshed out. You explained every odd element that came up and gave lots of details to each one.


Both of the main characters are fairly similar, though you do bring up some differences and quirks that make them more realistic. I can't really say I have a favorite character; I'd want more background on both of them and would want to know more about their personalities before I make that decisions.


Again, I probably would want to know more about Zeerie and Kari. They act slightly shy and awkward, which is very cute, but besides that, the reader doesn't really know much about them. Then again, I don't think you need to add any more info about them. I really like how the piece centers around the fantasy element, and adding more details about the main characters could possibly hinder that. I like the characters the way they are.


No, you explained all the elements really well, even giving names to oddities like ank dara. It was easy to read and as I've stated time and time again, it really shows that you put some real thought into creating this world.


The ending is good, but I feel like you could do better. I really like the unknown fate element, but I personally don't like ending stories with lines like, "but that's for another day." It's entirely subjective and you probably want to check with more people before you decide on whether or not you want to change it.
I feel like it would be cool if you talked just a little bit more about the war and why no one knows what happened to them; connect the two ideas. Was Barnilen attacked that day and the entire city wiped out, but no one found their bodies? Did Zeerie and Kari just disappear not long after they arrived at the camp and in the ensuing chaos that happened during the war, no one could go looking for them until years later when they'd be much harder to find? It's a thought worth expanding upon.


Reviewer Comments

Your beginning immediately grabs my attention. I like how the narrator occasionally contradicts him/herself. It creates a very memorable voice.
I really liked the switching the focus between the two characters. The repetition worked well and helped validate why they would give each other their hearts. Yes, I definitely liked the two points of view.