Jessie Wu

New Zealand

amateur writer, professional cynic

lover of stationery, podcasts and rule-following.
i avoid capitalisation because i think it makes me edgy. does that mean i'm breaking the rules of grammar?

probably; this is my version of rebellion.

That Island Under the Land Down Under (formerly known as New Zealand)

January 27, 2017

PROMPT: Newsworthy

8
It's only been 2017 for a few weeks, but it seems the world is already falling apart. 
 
And by world, I mean essentially everywhere that isn't New Zealand. Because let's face it, we're geographically isolated and we're so tiny we've given up on trying to find maps in which we aren't two tiny blobs south of Australia. Remember that infamous Oscar selfie? The one where Liza Minnelli tried to get into frame, but didn't? That's us. That's New Zealand. We are Liza Minnelli. 
Good ol' New Zealand. We're trying really hard to catch up to the rest of the world, aren't we? In fact, we made our own version of the Grammy Awards, which we've called the VMAs (the Vodafone Music Awards), because some CEO somewhere thinks he's funny. 
 
And then about six months ago we attempted our own "Real Housewives" show. We all went in expecting vapid gossip and petty bar fights; what we didn't expect was a huge racism scandal that left television executives quaking in their mud-stained gumboots.  
 
We also gave "Got Talent" a good bash; complete with not one, but two snarky celebrity judges. Of course, it all went up in flames after a judge (whose surname was literally 'Kills') bullied a contestant on live television for wearing a suit (A SUIT) and was subsequently fired. As of today, she has renamed herself 'Teddy', and is rumoured to be creating "Narcotic Lullabies." 
 
 So yeah, that was pretty much the end of that. 
 
But that was all years ago, you say. What's going on now
 
To be honest - nothing. Nothing significant enough to warrant global attention - we're all enjoying the aftermath of that cataclysmic US General Election to make any news for ourself. But fear not - for I have briefly compiled the top news stories of New Zealand of late. Because the world deserves to know. 
 
1) Our Prime Minister Up and Left
One day John Key was our Prime Minister, and the next day he wasn't. It happened all so quickly that we weren't sure if we wanted to cry, or laugh - we were sort of stunned, I suppose - and then we got over it
Upon his departure, I took some time to reflect on what he really did for our country. He tried to change the flag, but about a year and $26 million dollars later, all plans promptly stopped, never to be heard of again. He also donated a soup recipe for my school's fundraiser cookbook. Pretty hard-hitting stuff.
 
2) The House of the Rising Sum
20 years ago, you could buy a solid 2-bedroomed house complete with a garage and garden for $800,000. If you're house-hunting today with a budget of $800,000 - you might want to reconsider your definitions of "humane", and settle for a nice shack or a shed if you're lucky.
As of 2016, Auckland was named the world's fourth most expensive city. The median house price has surpassed $1 million - to put that into perspective, the median household income is currently sitting at around $76,000. To call it a crisis would be an understatement, but our ex-Prime Minister maintained throughout his career that it wasn't a problem. If you listen closely, you can hear the millennials of our country crying in unison, while John Key laughs from his sun lounger.
 
3) We Lost A Bird
For a country that prides itself on having the greenest grass and the cleanest waters, we don't seem to be putting much of an effort in. For starters: we lost a bird. Yeah, you read right: New Zealand apparently misplaced the South Island KĊkapo. 
There is a $5000 reward for anyone who can prove that this bird still exists, because while it was ruled extinct four years ago, there is evidence to prove a few may still be alive. 
In unrelated news, I once read a news article about the ambiguity of the existence of New Zealand. Do I smell a running theme here, or is that just Rotorua?

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1 Comment
  • Shanti

    I'm a New Zealander and this was a hilarious, fabulous article. Thanks!


    over 5 years ago