Peer Review by yapyapxy (Singapore)

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Fishtank

By: rooftoppers


FREE WRITING

fishtank. 
do fish dream of suicide,
flying, leap of something bold
(was it courage? boredom
in four glass walls,
their beige cubicles)
choking on oxygen they can only
hope to breathe.

do fish feel regret? 
concrete all stone
no sand,
no water; this empty, empty land.



 

A poem about fish suicide. 

Message to Readers

Did you understand what I was trying to say? Was the narrator unclear?
What did you think, how do you think it can be improved?


Peer Review

"no water; this empty, empty land." I felt it to be a poignant, short, but telling scene of the cruelty of the idea of a fish tank--and the false promise of a better world.


Pity, and sadness for the brief lives fishes in fish tanks lead. I am also curious as to what drove this fish to attempt suicide, when fishes have arguably short memory, and debatable consciousness. Was it pent up frustration, pure adventurousness, curiosity?


Was the fish suicide based off something that happened in real life to you, and if so, which part was it that left the deepest impression on you?


Reviewer Comments

I enjoyed this thought-provoking read, and felt that this piece have a lot of potential, to question the morality of fish tanks, as well as to add depth to this curious natural phenomena.

Perhaps you can consider letting the intensity of the moment of suicide parallel the slowing of thoughts. I felt that it was not immediately obvious that the fish had jumped out of the tank (I had misread it as regret being part of life as a domestic fish). Perhaps the addition of another stanza on what the fish was thinking of while committing the act will further emphasise the act of suicide itself, since you have raised the motivations and consequential regret the fish might harbour.

All in all, good job and I hope to read more of your works on WTW! :-)