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yapyapxy

Singapore

the world is wide enough

Message to Readers

Hi there, thank you for checking out my work. It means a lot to me, and if you've read this, you might know why. If you feel like leaving something on your way out, you are more than welcome to drop a favourite, a comment, or (gasps) a review. It may seem trivial but it would stupendously make my day. :-)

Till we meet again

December 24, 2016

PROMPT: Signing Off

1
Salutations, Doubt.

I think I said "hi" when I recognised you, but you probably just slotted yourself in from wherever else you've been feeding.

See, there's the issue. "I think" is my crutch. Sometimes your effect is so subtle, I can't tell whether it's you, or me. Maybe you're an inherent part of me. 

You've been a frequent visitor this year. More frequent than usual, though it may be alluded to the change present in this year. Nonetheless, you are formidable and unforgiving.

Let me count the times you reared that merciless head. How about the start of the year and the beginning of my Junior College life, where I experienced difficultly acting social and befriending people who already knew me on some level. I still do. I try to move my thoughts away whenever I catch myself cringing at some moldy-old social blunder, whenever I am hyper-conscious of moving about school alone when everyone else is in cliques and classes. I try, but it's hard to outgrow a second skin.

Or perhaps when I ran for the position of Vice President for my school's Editorial club, only to find out that the other competitor is this high-achieving, powerhouse writer of a beautiful girl. I had you, and even when I got the position, I chalked it up the fact that the seniors knew me better than they knew her. 

Or the time I was stagnant between wanting to quit and wanting to stay in my first co-curricular activity. I love making music, I love the Chinese Orchestra room and its woody, resin scent. Most times, I do not regret the decision made. Well, these are all memories now.  

This isn't even an "or". This is an "and". Every single time I receive a less-than satisfactory grade. When my English teacher writes "see me" for botching up a comprehension passage, when my Physics teacher tells me to speak more in class -- a daunting act for this introvert. Or when I face a question I cannot understand in my Promotional Exams. You are surprising, prompting me to question my beliefs about my self-worth and ability, beliefs which I once thought strong and unwavering.

Perhaps that belief was most badly hit when my friend's writing received validation, while mine was deemed a failure. Or "unsuitable", if you like. Is denial your lackey? Or your co-worker? I hated it that it was just as I was recovering frommy writing being deemed a failure, that my friend's news came in. Of course I was happy for her. But the side that exacted a greater influence was clear -- I was dejected. Absolutely crushed. Of that, you wonderfully took your leave.

I am blessed and thankful to have a best friend who comforted me over that dark period. However, the war with you is a lonely, arduous path of twists and turns. I don't want to fight, really. It's exhausting, because you are second-nature today. You manifest in second-thoughts, hesitation, indecision (a trait even my mother laments about). I try to recognise you for your reasons, and I try to run against your current. It's exhausting, but I build up strength with every use of the same muscles.

In a way, you're training me, to learn how to be comfortable with myself and my flaws. To accept your ebb and flows, and to learn to ride your waves. Maybe acceptance is your Achilles Heel, but I fear that acceptance will mean a settling for something less than I can be. I want to be more

So, 2017. You will thrive next year I know, with the A Levels, the surging anxiety for perfect grades (which I am far, far away from), and consuming worry about not making it to university. I have trained this year, but we'll see how we fare the next. Still, I have to thank you for knocking down my pillars so that I can build stronger ones. Like an editor, sometimes you've got to chop words and sentences relentlessly to make a writer shine like the diamond in the rough.

"Are you even one?" you sneer. We'll see, won't we?

Till then,
Xinyi

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  • December 24, 2016 - 10:49pm (Now Viewing)

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2 Comments
  • AbigailSauble

    Very nice! I love how you wrote this! 'We'll see, won't we?' Makes me want more! :D

    Keep up the good work! God bless!


    over 2 years ago
  • Angelina Nguyen

    I found this letter very wonderful! It's both confronting but personal, something you've chosen to use to reflect your year with effectively. Thank you for the comments on my works too. I love reading yours far more!


    almost 3 years ago