Just another girl trying to find her way in the world and using writing to help
Hey guys, this is for a competition so I need you to give me feedback. And don't pretend it is the best thing you have ever read because it's not. I want constructive criticism. But don't be a troll. Sorry about the mean and serious things I just said, I just want some serious feedback. I published it again because I found a few mistakes. Thanks, enjoy!!!
Written By: Zoe
June 7, 2015
A single goblin moved out of the crowd and into a dark corner of a cavern. He seated himself on a log. Glancing over to the others to make sure they weren't watching, he created a ball of fire in the palm of his hand and then extinguished it. The goblin's name was Xarai. He went unnoticed by every other goblin in his home. He sighed and looked to where he was making little mounds of dirt dance in the air. Suddenly he sensed someone's aura behind him. Xarai swung his head around, nearly banging his unnaturally long nose into the thing hovering behind him,
"So you're the goblin Naraiyah?" it was a female faiary,
"What's a Naraiyah?" asked Xarai cautiously. She raised her eyebrows then held out her hand,
"I'm Elvina. A Naraiyah is someone who is a full elemental and can use magic for just about anything. Come with me." Xarai took Elvina's hand and she took him over to two others who Xarai guessed were Naraiyahs too.
"You found him?" asked a female. Elvina nodded to her and gestured for Xarai to step foward,
"I'm Alycca, a mage and this is Theoroid. Call him Theo, it's easier." she said, gesturing towards a cyclops,
"We should get going," rumbled the deep voice of Theo,
"Where?" I asked them, looking up so I could see their faces,
"Into the tunnels to fight the dragon Shunnels." Theo said blankly,
"That rhymed! It's a bit of a funny name, don't you think?" Elvina snickered. Theo just looked at her with a straight face but Alycca let out a giggle, "It really is!" she laughed. Theo still looked confused. He gave up on trying to understand and just grumbled,
"Lead the way." Xarai started walking and they followed. They made it to the entrance of the tunnels and all lit fires in their hands so the flames licked their palms and lit up the cold darkness. Xarai led them through without fault, much to the displeasure of Theo. At one point, Elvina caught up to Xarai and joked, "You know, if someone has to die, I want it to be him." she nodded towards Theo. They chuckled and walked on. Eventually they found themselves at the entrance to Shunnels' lair. It was a massive set of black stone double doors with intricate carvings of weapons, fire, and destroyed towns on the front of them, "Well that's a lovely picture to welcome your guests with." said Alycca sarcastically. Theo looked at her excitedly,
"I thought so too." the bad thing was that he seemed serious. They all exchanged worried glances. The quartet pushed themselves through a small gap in the door that was slightly ajar. As they cautiously looked at their surroundings for any sign of the dragon, they were instantly taken aback with horror. The giant room was filled with rotten bones and skeletons with only scraps of skin left on them. The ground they were walking on was basically carpeted with dried up blood that gave it a marble-looking effect. And sitting right in the middle of it, chewing on a bone was Shunnels himself. He was a giant mass of black and grey. Misty indigo coloured light was emanating from the ripped holes in is leathery skin. His face had a variety of hook-looking things sticking out of it and his teeth were the size of a chainsaw. He saw them and sighed as if he knew that they were going to come, "Ahhh. Nice job Theoride." he spoke slowly. His voice sounded strangled and deranged, "You brought me my lunch. I was getting rather hungry after 28 years." the other Naraiyah looked at Theo in disbelief,
"We never should have trusted you!" screamed Elvina as she threw herself at him,
"No fighting. We can't have that." Shunnels seemed like he had no emotions whatsoever. With that he picked Elvina up in his mouth and threw her against the wall, "I'll save her for later. Now, who wants to be first?" Alycca spoke, enraged,
"You're not taking any of us!"
"Don't worry, I'll give you time to plan your fight strategy. It won't work, but I like to be fair." Alycca grabbed Xarai's hand and pulled him over to the corner, "Do you have a plan?" he asked her,
"No. I don't know what to do." she looked at him helplessly. Xarai had been thinking about a plan but Alycca wasn't going to like it. Slowly he told her his plan and when he'd finished, Alycca gave him a tight hug, "Lets do this." she whispered in his ear. Xarai stepped foward,
"We surrender." he called out. Shunnels looked upset, "Really? Fine." as Shunnels reached out to snap him up, Xarai took what Alycca passed to him. Shunnels picked him up and swallowed him whole. Xarai was inside his esophagus when he looked towards the sword in his hands. As he very slowly made his descent, he thought about everything he would miss in his life. He couldn't think of anything. The other goblins were evil and he had never liked being a part of that. But then he thought of all that could have been possible if he'd thought of a better plan. 'Alycca still has Elvina' he supposed. He would never have fitted in. It would have seemed like it to him, but he was a goblin, he didn't belong with mages and faiarys. He was the third wheel. This way he would be remembered as a hero. This was the only possible way he could fix things. Lifting the sword, he shut his eyes and swung it in a circular motion. He cut Shunnels' head clean off. The last thing he remembered seeing was Alycca, smiling sadly at him as she held Elvina. They were sitting near Theo, who was lying dead on the floor, with the same old blank expression on his face. Xarai closed his eyes again. He hit the ground with a thud and was plunged into darkness. He would never find the light again.