Peer Review by Sydney H. (Switzerland)

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Under the Sun Fruits

By: AllisonHRedwood


FREE WRITING

Under the glaring sunshine, 
prunes, apples, bananas, grapes, 
all grew like light.

Taking them out, 
squeezing their juice, 
drinking, their warm, and sweet water,
eating their tender, soft, flesh, 
smelling the scent of their life, 
and tasting the taste of the sun. 

Fermenting others,
putting in pots of tea, 
giving as gifts, 
the rewards are so endless.

Yet, still, drying the fruits, 
under the same sun, 
the one that nurtured them, into a dried body. 

The juice would be gone, 
their seeds would be tiny, 
the sweetness won't be so fresh--but convenient it is. 

The pieces, slices, would be thinner, 
but humans would get their variety, you see. 
 


Peer Review

I first began reading this piece because the imagery caught my eye, but what made me decide to write a review was the turn at the end - what a clever idea! It's a profound sentiment.


I love the introduction, the second stanza is so fresh and vivid : I can taste and smell with ease what you describe, not to mention you make some wonderful metaphors "tasting the taste of the sun", "the scent of their life". They're really good. I think you could elaborate a little on the context at the start : where are we? What is the scenery around the fruit? Maybe even who is picking? Of course, these are just tiny details. But just one additional line at the very beginning would do the job. You emphasize the fruits wonderfully, but adding a little detail about the trees or growth around would help bring it to life. Just something to think about.


Reviewer Comments

What I admire most about this is your ability to blend beauty with commentary. Commercialization is an important topic to address and I think you approached it in all the right ways. Well done! And don't hesitate to reach out to me if you want something reviewed in the future.

Sydney