chrysanthemums&ink

United States

ia | male | freshman

Message from Writer

most if not all of my pieces have songs linked to them. give them a listen, you might like what you hear.

i hope the next decision you make brings you happiness.

10/12/21

October 14, 2021

FREE WRITING

11

now that i can ascertain the meaning of happiness, my worries have suddenly turned childish. my personality, which i had forgotten and probably never known, feels tangible now. it feels soft in my small palm and unfrightening to look at. it is like a small animal, barely moving and sharp-toothed when it is unconsciously bullied. i've known that i've always been sensitive, but since a few months ago, i've hated to admit it. i think that something has shifted ever since i left behind my old life. the friends i used to have are now awkward to talk to, and we talk very little. however, it is not like i have the phone numbers of my current school friends either. it is my style to thrive best within a business relationship where i do not have to guess whether or not someone else likes me. i don't want to be attached to anything, and desperation is the binding force for a relationship. if someone can smother my lust for the meek figure in my mind, then i will surely go after them. however, it is dirty of me to admit that.

i hold this fragile soul in my hands and watch it carefully. my eyes are still glazed over with this self protecting liquid, and they get dry easily nowadays. they never get more than eight hours of rest, and i am never able to sleep without being woken up later. but i do wonder about this change in attitude. although the thinning of the cloud could indicate the clearing of my vision, it could also mean that my figure is turning more and more into marble, hard and undefinable and lacking in personality. my more innermost thoughts escape me these days, and i am only concerned about surface level fractures. i do not think deeply, and my days are filled only with shallow worries. if this is a good thing, then it is good. however, i am going through the motions of life again without truly knowing what i am performing. brushing the smooth mirror lightly with my fingertips, i am intrigued by this image staring back. if i recognize that as myself, then it would start to look unbearable repulsive. to me, self-protection means unlearning the self. i am afraid with being confronted with who i am. is it because of this deep disconnect in me or my parasitic self loathing? i think it might be both. 

i still do worry about things. i feel burdened. the most optimistic i can be is to accept and carry those worries with me until i am eventually forced to vanquish or succumb to their pressure. 


 
sorrow's gap - MIMI 

unedited. i hate school. i hate orchestra. yolo. 

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  • October 14, 2021 - 5:15pm (Now Viewing)

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3 Comments
  • Eblinn

    "is it because of this deep disconnect in me or my parasitic self loathing? i think it might be both. "
    Your train of thought is fantastically written


    11 days ago
  • Paisley Blue

    ditto spectral

    this is so full of... amazingness and i don't know where to start but WOW


    15 days ago
  • spectral

    '' i don't want to be attached to anything, and desperation is the binding force for a relationship. ' you have a gun and you just keep shooting straight huh


    15 days ago