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bi panic <3
writes less poetry and more messes of words too late at night

Message to Readers

lol yea yk when feel awful but u also feel awful for bothering ppl cus ur feeling awful especially when it's ppl u love who have their own problems? that was today.

i have red hair now tho, so like honestly, i think that solved all my problems

i was not built with a halo and wings; a mess of writing from 4 a.m.

September 11, 2021


i. the nights get heavy like they always do.
        guilt settles in the pit of my stomach, 
                but lately, 
                it's just spread. 
i wonder if there's a cure for the feeling when the blood in your veins turns to quicksand, 
when the weight of your sins presses into the palms of your hands
and etches reget into their lines.
                                        i wonder if i would want it.
there's a damn curse about being a poet-
    you write outside the colors of reality,
    you make this a smokescreen of something more-than-empty,
                (but a black hole cannot be a nebula,
                burning and collapsing are two different forms of destruction)
        as much as you romanticize pyres they are nothing more than ash-covered escapes, 
        you are a sinner with blood on your hands, 
        and it was never once beautiful.   

ii. you will try to run to the stars through difficulties,
        but mortality is terror. 
        accept it. 
we are born of fear and we don't remember to die,
                our lives are taken from us. 
        a cynical reminder we are a fleeting moment of existence,
        we are the dying gasp of a creature deemed to be loveless, 
        a battleground of our own inhibitions, 
                                                                  nothing but playthings to the gods.   

iii. we're all addicted to things that destroy us. 
                my mama warned me about this;
but i never thought she meant the way  words would linger in the back of my throat
like syrup staining my mouth with a taste i never quite got rid of;
                                    the way my shoulder blades were never meant to carry wings;
                                    so why are they aching for them?
my mama warned me about destruction, 
but not about what would destroy me.   

iv. i've felt closer to god in the blue light aisles of an empty CVS than a church pew,
        there's something about desperation
        and the stains on my fingers from twelve dollar hair dye,
                    something holy about church mud;
                    and maybe my poems aren't prayers but if being known is being loved,
                    every word i've written is its own redemption.
i am built of memories, 
but i all i want to do is forget. 
kjadsfjkdfs i couldn't sleep (i haven't been able to lately) but yay sad poetry that helps


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  • September 11, 2021 - 10:59pm (Now Viewing)

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  • blur.ink

    This piece is somehow.... Relatable. I can't sleep early/on time either. It's the best time to jot down ideas ;) ~

    4 days ago
  • _streaks_of_stars_

    yeah ok, so u know already how i feel about each one of your poetry. i love it i love it i love it and I'm always left with such sublime and tears and resonating spirit that stirs - i love it BRO yeah i have no idea how to express

    8 days ago
  • Stone of Jade

    i have absolutely no words. this...is gorgeous. yet that adjective doesnt even begin to describe the poetic genius of this whole piece. as always, you never fail to amaze

    14 days ago
  • Paisley Blue

    I really don't have words, this swept me away. I'm always left speechless and this is no exception; I love this. I'm starting to feel like a broken record but its hard when all of your pieces make me want to cry—the simple beauty and acceptance and (on occasion) despair in them is so human, and, well, being a human, they resonate so deeply within me.
    "the way my shoulder blades were never meant to carry wings; / so why are they aching for them?" Kayla this made me stop breathing for a moment.
    Yay for red hair that sounds beautiful and fun! Sorry about the insomnia, I've had a hard time sleeping too lately and its just so frustrating yk?? Sending love <3

    14 days ago
  • red-dust-rose

    mmmm, my small brain doesn't really get the point of this, but i love it??

    14 days ago
  • Paisley Blue

    Coming back to comment this is amazing

    14 days ago
  • pidgin

    this is gorgeous- you always continue to amaze me with your poetry! sorry about the insomnia though, that sucks... yay red hair!

    14 days ago
  • kaylasghost

    also, i forgot to put it in, but a few of the lines are inspired by latin translations a friend of mine wrote (she made my pfp too <3)

    15 days ago
  • HighEntropy

    Insomnia sux, but this piece is awesome! I'm obsessed!

    15 days ago