Peer Review by .amelia. (Singapore)

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a postage stamp away [MESSAGE BOX--FEEDBACK NEEDED]

By: Stone of Jade


FREE WRITING


colored with colored pencils, 
written in pencil,
the address inked in ballpoint pen.

the envelope travels far,
sealed with a kiss,
stamped with a sticker.

from hand to mailbox,
mailbox to truck,
truck to airplane,
airplane to truck,
truck to mailbox,
mailbox to hand. 

the cycle repeats itself,
over and over,
to and from.

the envelope is torn open,
the letter slipped out,
its contents are laughed over, cried over, cherished. 

a pencil scratches a response,
the stamp is smoothed over,
its contents sent off.

each day I miss you more,
each moment I long for your smile.

the distance seems immense,
but really,
you are only a postage stamp away. 
 


Message to Readers

FEEDBACK DESPERATELY NEEDED.
i want to send this off for a contest themed "interconnectedness"

please please please review or at least comment with how i can improve.

thank you!!


Peer Review

I like how well you played out ths literature devices. and the simplicity of lexis makes it all so simple and sweet!


But, I think you could possibly improve by emphasising more on the distance, instead of simply using anaphora. i.e. talk about it so on a plane across the Atlantic, etc. because this will help make a better juxtaposition between the vast distance between, and 'a postage stamp away', (in the last stanza) pointing out the phenomenal ability of mail to shorten distances. ((that is, if your message is to say how postage & mail makes everyone closer))


Reviewer Comments

sorry if the second box just above is a tad bit confusing. feel free to ask me if you don't get it! But on the whole, it is quite a nice read :)