Peer Review by SunV (India)

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a shattered wishing fountain

By: viktoria elessar


FREE WRITING

        if i lay here

if i slip silently under
  the silky sheets
if i let my eyelids flutter out
    in the fading light
        
        if i just lay here


if i watch the dangling stars
  dancing across the sky
if i picture you spinning
    between the burning comets

        would you lie with me

would you hug me from behind
  and let me cry into your shoulder
would you comfort me
    in a field of dead flowers

        and just forget the world

and just close your eyes
  to be here, right now, with me
and just allow yourself to be lost
    lost in a moment that will never return

        forget what we're told

forget who we are
  and only know who we could be
who we could be together
    if only they let us
 
        before we get too old

before we lose this perfect chance
  that we’ve been waiting for too long already
before we forget these subtle feelings
    and this wondrous beauty that is so extraordinarily temporary

        show me a garden that's bursting into life

show me all the things you put up walls for
  and i promise i wont be one of them
show me all the  broken pieces of you
    and i will piece you together like a shattered wishing fountain 

based off of chasing cars by snow patrol. i started this many months ago and would work on it every now and then and now i finally finished it and love the final result. i hope you like it! }

Peer Review

I love the idea of taking Chasing Cars (or any song) and weaving it into a whole new piece, keeping the same feel. Chasing Cars in particular is such an emotional song, and you've managed to elaborate on a few stanzas of the song and brought about such a heart-warming & heart-breaking feel to the original. The clever use of simple four line stanzas really stood out for me, and the formatting is also really pretty!


Some of the lines have become a bit too wordy (and this can happen when incorporating imagery, since there's a lot a writer wants to show), and in turn confusing for the reader. While revising, try reading out the lines, and see if you can understand what is written as if you were reading it for the first time. If not, try modifying the line-- is there any unecessary word? This would help you find a certain flow in the piece, and have a clearer phrase structure.


Reviewer Comments

Hey viktoria elessar!! I love chasing cars, and I love this piece so much, it really brought out the full depth of the original song. I hope my highlights & comments were helpful, and remember that all my suggestions are purely suggestions, feel free to ignore them if you want. I can't wait to see where you take this! -SunV