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Joined July 8th 2021

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"The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself. I will keep the law given by God...there I plant my foot" - Jane Eyre

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Anne Blackwood
Bluebird Celtic
løne wølf
Stone of Jade

Wonderings/Wanderings of Thought: On Friendship (#4)

July 17, 2021


Where I am at least, today is the first day of the summer holidays. I'm 17, which means my summer is that one where you spend a lot of your time trying to cement which Unis you want to go to and the one where you try to write your personal statement and do some stuff that you can put on it etc etc. 

All this talk about change and moving away got me thinking. Life really isn't designed for you to keep the same friends, is it? You have your friends in primary and then you move up to the next stage of your education and you might lose a few, or you might not - but then if you go off to Uni you'll almost certainly be separated from your friends by a huge amount of distance. And I always hate looking further than university because it's so terrifying - like being stranded in the middle of a featureless ocean - but after that? You go and get jobs and you and your old friends are pretty much guaranteed to be in different towns or cities, or even countries. It's not like you're going somewhere and then coming back to the same place afterwards - in a lot of cases, you leave where you live like birds leaving a nest, with no intention to return and no likelihood of seeing almost every person you went to school with ever again.

So - how hard do you think it would be to keep the friends you had in primary all the way through your life? If you think about it, it's practically inconceivable in most cases. It seems completely impossible and, in my case, I've already failed on that score - I had 4 friends in primary and I haven't spoken to 3 of them in years (the other one moved away, and I lost contact - but that was more recent).

Okay then - let's not think about the friends you had in primary, but the friends you have now. Do you think you'll stay friends with them? I bet that, if you're reading this, you're probably thinking "yes, of course" - and I really hope you do (as a matter of fact, I really hope I do as well haha). But there is one massive problem which I like to call mundane relevance (and yes - I did make that up).

Now, if you have a good friendship with a good person, and you don't have any arguments or falling outs that end the friendship (Note: those are three separate things - it is very possible to fall out with someone who is both a good friend and a good person - and it doesn't make either of you a bad friend/person - if that makes sense), there are two general ways in which people stop being friends (at least in my experience); they are distance of time and distance of space.

Distance of time is where the time between when you were the best friends with someone that you will be and the present diverges significantly and, as a result, even though you are in the same physical environment, you start to feel more uncomfortable with talking to or interacting with someone, simply because you don't have any excuse to. Your friendship fades over time and you two drift. This is a horrible sensation and it's usually made much worse by the fact that, because nothing actually happened to cause you to drift, you can't fix it - there is nothing to fix. Time has simply moved on and, like everything, your friendship has simply run it's course. This is highly unfortunate and often depressing, but it is a widely recognised phenomenon. There are, however, extremely strong friendships where this never seems to happen, but even these are susceptible to the next major threat, which is distance of space.

It is generally understood that moving away can cause your friendships to fade as you lose contact with people - but why? Is it just that friendships can't survive moving onto text and video call and that not being able to physically see the person means you can't be proper friends with them? I think that may be part of it, but, when I was thinking about this I came up with the idea that it was because of the following issue that arises from being far away from someone;

In day to day life, a huge amount of irrelevant, boring, ordinary things happen - and when you are in the same environment as someone you share the same experiences which gives you a level of relatability. For example, in school, you experienced the same sort of things in lessons and you knew generally what your friend's day was like. However, when you are in different environments, the majority of day to day life is far too uninteresting to tell your friend about; why would you tell them about what happened in a lecture, or the coffee you had? It's just not something deemed interesting enough to talk about. As a result, 95% of your day is not 'conversation worthy material' so you don't mention it and your friend suddenly starts to lose their relevance to the day-to-day events that occur in your life. This I call this is loosing mundane relevance - and what it means is that you and your friend will have less things to talk about, because you have less shared experiences. As a result, the amount you talk will decline until your friendship fades away.

I'll give you an example. Over lockdown I became friends with someone and because (even though we were apart) we were in the same environments (in our houses) we had a level of mundane relevance - the same basic experience day-to-day, and, as such, we had quite a bit to talk about. We were also doing more varied things, and we could both relate to the quest to fight boredom amidst the lockdown, so our friendship flourished. When we back to school, however, we lost relevance to each other's day-to-day mundane exploits, because why would we tell each other about what we did in maths class or in English? As such, our friendship declined; it wasn't anyone's fault, but we just ended up with nothing to talk about.

I don't know if that made any sense, I'm just rambling to be honest - but I hope it was interesting and I really hope that it's possible to maintain friendships for long periods of times when me and my friends go off our separate ways. I guess I'll have to wait and see.

I wonder if the word "wonderings" was just supposed to mean "when your thoughts wander off"

Sorry - it got a bit wordy at points and I should point out these are just my opinions/ideas, a lot of people will probably disagree - and feel free to say why you agree or disagree or to make any other comments.

Wonderings/Wanderings of Thought #1 = 1 days, 2 followers and I'm already starting to see why social media ends up addictive...

Wonderings/Wanderings of Thought #2 = Late Night Writing

Wonderings/Wanderings of Thought #3 = Am I doing this right?


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  • July 17, 2021 - 6:03am (Now Viewing)

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1 Comment
  • Anne Blackwood

    Re: Thank you! And oof that's awkward (but not all too weird don't worry). Thought I feel like for a guy it's not as weird to like a girl a year or two younger than himself (or more once you're an adult) but as a highschool girl? It feels kinda odd bc we're all kinda still maturing and girls are usually faster at that. Catch my drift?

    2 months ago