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I really admire the concept of the story because it deals with a lot of real world problems even if you didn't mean it to. It's really creative as well and I love the way that you portrayed paradise. I also really like the beginning, it drew me into the story.
The impression that I got from this piece is that climate change has destroyed the world and now government control has gotten out of hand. Obviously this is really bad and I like how uncomfortable and appalled the character is. One note, though: you might want to make her feelings more present and dramatic because it was just a little bit difficult to pick up on them.
I think you have an awesome concept and an awesome story that deserves to be told and understood. However, you spent so much of this story trying to fill us in on what was going on that it just sort of seemed bland. We need flavor to this. SHow us the world they live in, give us internal dialogues, body language, character personality and descriptions. Show as much as you can rather than telling us through dialogue. There is more to a story than just the story, after all.
You seem like a really creative person. I love your story idea and I love you idea of paradise. If you can find a video or two on youtube about showing not telling and info-dumping, which are mistake I make too much, I believe that you could be one of the best. What I was talking about earlier was mostly for the character. It can be hard to make a character present in first person perspective.
Man was this great to read! I look forward to seeing a possible second draft! Keep writing and remember to always be yourself