Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.
Message to Readers
I really need help fixing this...
The beginning is really nice - using the storm to foreshadow the later events is a lovely idea, especially when paired with such an effective description.
The use of description of physical aspects of Rachel's behaviour really brings her to life, especially with added comments like opening the door 'with a bit too much force' which really develops the sentence in a subtle way and is a less blatant way of revealing aspects of the character. I'd love to know more about the situation with her father, but keeping this mysterious works in this extract.
I think maybe it moves a little too fast towards the end - maybe this could be lengthened (the word limit is obviously restricted on this so it could be difficult but in the context of the whole novel this could do with moving a little less rapidly).
I think in the context of the extract as showing action, it wouldn't have worked for you to put more description of setting in, and you have kept it tasteful. It might work to describe the sensation of rain against Rachel's back as they're outside though - it makes her seem less passive and more human. Likewise, you could describe the sensation of being dropped on the ground.
Stop criticising yourself! The whole thing doesn't 'need fixing' - it's a lovely piece of writing. Have more confidence in yourself as a writer.
I love the spacing out of this, the use of single sentences punctuating longer paragraphs, which especially works in this particularly thrilling scene.