Oh to be 12 at 11:59pm on January 14th again. To be excited to be a teenager. To be ready to experience the next 7 years of my life, that at some point in time would be the good old days. But now I'm just scared. And bored. I don't feel like a teenager. Being a teenager is supposed to include making cool new friends and trying new things and having fun. I'm scared I'll never experience that for myself. I'm scared that my good old days are already over, left behind in my childhood. At 12 years old, I would have never thought that that was the last time I was going to truly enjoy something and be able to blame it on just being a kid. My mother expects me to be an adult when I don't have the skillset to do so. I haven't made the right mistakes to learn from yet. Now I'm scared I never will and I'll made them when I really am an adult when people expect better from me. I want to wear cool clothes and not count the things I've eaten today and see and call my friends and maybe just talk to a boy. I want to be able to wear more than leggings, sweatpants, t-shirts, and huge sweaters that have to cover my bum (and if they don't I must go back upstairs to change). I want to be heard and respected and to be able to have a voice or opinion instead of being silence because "I don't know anything." I want to be able to eat a cookie for a snack and have ice cream for dessert without being told "If you keep eating like that you're going to be fat." And so what if I'm "fat"? I want to hang out with my friends without it being ammunition in a fight with my mom, "You're always out with your friends and you never appreciate me!" Or be on facetime without my mom walking in and saying, "You never do anything you're always on the phone this is why you get bad grades." (let's be clear a bad grade is an 89 or lower). I want to be able to talk to a boy without being lectured about how I can't date until I'm in college because it would be a distraction from school (seriously, how do you tell a hopeless romantic that they're not allowed to date?!). And in truth, I really am trying but that doesn't really matter unless the computer screen displays a dazzling "100". I'm terrified that all this time I've been waiting to be teenager and when I finally get here, I can only watch my friends have fun and make mistakes. It's so out of character for me but I want to make a mistake, just to tell my kids something I did. I would have enjoyed my childhood more instead of saying "When I'm older..." if I had known I'd never get to feel that free again.