raidingyourpantry

United States

she/her
poetry enthusiast
joined 04/15/2021
chronically sleep-deprived

Message to Readers

Any suggestions or ideas where I could revamp this piece and take it in a better direction.

Natural Disaster

April 15, 2021

FREE WRITING

3
atlas shrugs.
hold your breath—
gaea breathes shallowly.
listen closely:
it sounds like dirt cracking and falling into your ear
kicked up dust and tumbleweeds
it sounds like a desolation, empty earth splitting apart with a yawning hunger
drought and famine
punishing desert, running a fever
diaphragm hitting the roof of its confines, a sky too big and not big enough  
the ground beneath our feet trembles and shifts, 
an aching, whining groan of tectonic plates resonates deep under inside the heart of her
shifting like pieces of a broken vase
all the parts and no one in the world to put her back together 
the sky, unmoored and unstable, folding inwards on top of us, crumpling 
too close to heaven, not close enough
loved the sky too much at once 
grew too heavy with it, bloated from the water and the dust, and fell
fell too many times to count
still made my way out the ground 
into the sky, as cloud, as rain again
the earth is mostly water, we are mostly water
after we die, do we mourn at the grave
for the body or for the rain?
grief that never allows us to return to a before
only to move forward, and with time, learn how to live with the space
the space fit between our words and eyes and the earth
and the sky
the quiet of grave dirt and petrichor.
of a mourning earth and sky above, of the rain that wept with us and for us.
I just joined the community and wanted to get some of my writing on here before I decide if I want to do the competition or not. Here's a piece from a few months ago that I kind of lost inspiration for, but still like. Would love any comments, ideas, suggestions, etc. 

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  • April 15, 2021 - 12:15am (Now Viewing)

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3 Comments
  • bhumi

    like Ava said this is amazing!
    also, welcome to write the world, I joined recently too and I love it here!


    23 days ago
  • Ava Marie

    This is so good, and so much better than anything I could write. :)

    Also, Welcome to write the world, I'm sure you'll love it here, I know I do!! Everyone is so nice and supportive.

    If I were to make one suggestion though it would be to tie in those first four lines at the begging to the end, but reversed. Like this:
    of a mourning earth and sky above, of the rain that wept with us and for us.
    gaea breathes shallowly.
    listen closely
    Atlas shrugs.
    hold your breath

    Anyways, it's just a suggestion, know that you definitely don't have to use it if you don't want to.


    23 days ago
  • Blue Jay

    I love this piece! It tells a good story, and it's going in the right direction for sure! The metaphors all work so well together, and it allows you to feel the words. I loved these lines especially:
    too close to heaven, not close enough
    loved the sky too much at once

    Welcome to WtW! I will do my best to peer review your piece tomorrow to give you some better feedback.


    23 days ago