Peer Review by rwong (United States)

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what the biggest eyes of vision see

By: In Which Yaya Writes


PROMPT: Poetry and Spoken Word Competition: 2021

a girl with
eyes 
as big as 
the laughing midnight 
moon, 
whose vision 
expands 
from rolling ocean shore 
to
rolling
ocean 
shore,
takes a peep 
at the big,
big world 
and sees the things 
we simply can’t. 
she looks at
dirt after a 
storm, covered in 
dots and dimples, 
and sees a 
thousand birds, 
feathers so full and
black, 
eyes beady with
hunger,
beaks as 
bright as the 
midday sun, 
pecking at the 
ground to find worms 
galore. 
or a thousand tiny 
ants, 
bodies so red and bulbous, 
legs skinny yet so, 
so strong, 
each striking out for their 
own, 
building a 
house for one.
or she wishes 
she just
could’ve seen, 
rain, 
the master 
of pointillism, 
create its 
beautiful art.
she looks at the fire, 
and sees dancers 
in the flames. 
crackling and laughing, 
their red dresses 
billowing. 
their love—
so fierce, 
it burns. 
she looks at the smoke, 
while others cry, 
“Tornado!” 
and point at the stream, 
she sees emotion,
anger, hurt, passion, 
so thick
it billows.
she looks at a tree, 
and sees 
each individual leaf,
each one a 
different shade 
of green. 
she sees the 
heart of nature
welcome, 
with open arms, 
poor woodland creatures, 
who have no home. 
she sees love sparkle, 
around the sun-setting
silhouette.
she looks at animals— 
cows, dogs, cats, chickens— 
and can see
their emotions, 
radiating off of 
them. 
can know what they’re thinking, 
when all but their eyes 
are silent.
can find a friend, 
when others see none.
she looks at 
the sky, 
and sees the playful 
daughter, 
her eyes so crystal blue, 
painting to her 
hearts delight
the clouds upon which
she gazes. 
she swears 
she heard 
a whale call out 
for her. 
she looks towards the ocean, 
and can see the 
whales swimming, 
in the shimmering sea, 
their fins flapping, 
as they beckon her to 
join them. 
she can see the mountains, 
stoic and respected,
with a gleam
in their eye, 
telling her to climb them.  
she can see jungles, 
as mischievous as the 
animals that 
abide within it, 
teasing her, 
calling for her
to brave their 
gnarled centers.
she takes her 
shoes off, 
to feel the 
ever-shifting sands 
of hope 
beneath her feet. 
to feel 
the soft, grass, 
covered in a
thousand tears, 
finally wipe their eyes. 
she wears her
hair down, 
to feel the wind 
come tell her hi, 
and bring her new 
secrets, 
from across the world. 
she finds beauty 
in all the nature 
around her. 
but the most beautiful 
thing she has ever seen 
was people.
their smiles so 
white and gleaming 
like freshly fallen snow. 
their hair thick and shiny, 
tugging at their 
scalps. 
their hands 
so ready 
to hold another. 
she looks at them, 
and her very 
heart swells. 
she goes to the 
little ones, and 
spins them in a circle, 
round and round, 
until all their 
laughter mixes 
into one joyful sound. 
she goes to the
big ones, 
and listens to
what they say, 
nodding and smiling, 
until her head hurts, 
but joyful because 
they’re happy. 
she goes to the old ones, 
and talks with them, 
holding cold, wrinkly hands, 
until she warms them again. 
never has she seen, 
a more
beautiful creation. 
she thanks the Creator, 
for these most of all. 
when they cry,
she cries. 
when they hurt, 
she hurts. 
when they laugh, 
she laughs. 
until all of them 
know, 
the have a friend, 
in this girl, a girl with
eyes 
as big as 
the laughing midnight 
moon, 
whose vision 
expands 
from rolling ocean shore 
to 
rolling
ocean 
shore.
Word Count: 590 
Draft #: Let’s say 3.

I was answering a question in my youth group, (do you think God has a plan for you?) and this idea came to me (no, I’ve always had such a big vision, I just knew I was gonna do something for God one day).
I really hope you like it! 

PS I’m seriously considering entering in this instead: 
a wench with
eyes 
as big as 
the laughing midnight 
moon, 
whose vision 
expands 
from rolling ocean sh're 
to 
rolling
ocean 
sh're,
doth take a peepeth 
at the big, 
big w'rld 
and sees the things 
we simply can’t.  
 the lady looks at
dirt aft'r a 
st'rm, cov'r'd in 
dots and dimples, 
and sees a 
thousand birds, 
feath'rs so full and 
black, 
eyes beady with 
did hang'r,
beaks as 
bright as the 
midday travelling lamp, 
pecking at the 
did grind to findeth w'rms 
gal're.  
 'r a thousand tiny 
ants, 
bodies so r'd and bulbous, 
forks skinny yet so, 
so stout, 
each striking out f'r their 
owneth, 
building a 
house f'r one. 
 'r the lady wishes 
the lady just 
could’ve seen, 
raineth, 
the mast'r 
of pointillism, 
maketh its 
quite quaint art. 
 the lady looks at the fireth, 
and sees danc'rs 
in the flames.  
 crackling and laughing, 
their r'd dresses 
billowing.  
 their love— 
so fi'rce, 
t burns.  
 the lady looks at the smoketh, 
while oth'rs caterwauling, 
“t'rnado!” 
and pointeth at the stream, 
the lady sees emotion,
ang'r, did hurt, passion, 
so thick 
t billows. 
 the lady looks at a tree, 
and sees 
each individual leaf,
each one a 
diff'rent shadeth 
of green.  
 the lady sees the 
heart of nature
welcometh, 
with ope arms, 
po'r woodland creatures, 
who is't has't nay home.  
 the lady sees loveth sparkleth, 
'round the sun-setting
silhouette. 
 the lady looks at animals— 
cows, dogs, cats, chickens— 
and can seeth
their emotions, 
radiating off of 
those folk.  
 can knoweth what they’re bethinking, 
at which hour all but their eyes 
art silent. 
 can findeth a cousin, 
​when oth'rs seeth none. 
 the lady looks at 
the sky, 
and sees the gamesome 
daught'r, 
h'r eyes so crystal blue, 
painting to h'r 
hearts delighteth
the clouds upon which
the lady gazes.  
 the lady swears 
the lady hath heard 
a whale calleth out 
f'r h'r.  
 the lady looks towards the ocean, 
and can seeth the 
whales swimming, 
in the shimm'ring flote, 
their fins flapping, 
as those gents beckon h'r to 
joineth those folk.  
 the lady can seeth the mountains, 
stoic and did respect, 
with a gleam 
in their eye, 
telling h'r to climb those folk.  
 the lady can seeth jungles, 
as mischievous as the 
animals yond 
abideth within t, 
fleering h'r, 
calling f'r h'r
to brave their 
gnarl'd cent'rs. 
 the lady doth take h'r 
shoes off, 
to feeleth the 
ev'r-shifting sands 
of desire 
beneath h'r feet.  
 to feeleth 
the soft, grass, 
cov'r'd in a 
thousand drops of sorrow, 
finally wipeth their eyes.  
 the lady wears h'r 
hair down, 
to feeleth the windeth 
cometh bid h'r good morrow, 
and bringeth h'r new 
secrets, 
from across the w'rld.  
 the lady finds beauty 
in all the nature 
'round h'r.  
 but the most quite quaint 
thing the lady hast ev'r seen 
wast people. 
 their smiles so 
white and gleaming 
liketh freshly fallen snoweth.  
 their hair thick and shiny, 
tugging at their 
scalps.  
 their hands 
so eft 
to holdeth anoth'r.  
 the lady looks at those folk, 
and h'r v'ry 
heart swells.  
 the lady goeth to the 
dram ones, and 
spins those folk in a circle, 
round and round, 
until all their 
laught'r mixes 
into one joyful soundeth.  
 the lady goeth to the 
big ones, 
and harks to 
what those gents sayeth, 
nodding and smiling, 
until h'r headeth hurts, 
but joyful because 
they’re joyous.  
 the lady goeth to the fusty ones, 
and talks with those folk, 
holding bitter cold, wrinkly hands, 
until the lady warms those folk again.  
 nev'r hast the lady seen, 
a m're 
quite quaint creation.  
 the lady grant you mercy the creat'r, 
f'r these most of all.  
 at which hour those gents caterwauling, 
the lady cries.  
 at which hour those gents did hurt, 
the lady hurts.  
 at which hour those gents chuckle, 
the lady laughs.  
 until all of those folk 
knoweth, 
the has't a cousin, 
in this wench, a wench with
eyes 
as big as 
the laughing midnight 
moon, 
whose vision 
expands 
from rolling ocean sh're 
to 
rolling
ocean 
sh're

Message to Readers

*sigh* I’m still semi-new to poetry in general, so I’m not sure if this is any good. If any of y’all are good at poetry or even just a bit experienced, could you review this? I’ll review yours in return :)!!


Peer Review

the impression your poem made on me as a whole was a description of nature kinda looking at it through a different lens that just finds so much beauty in everything, even things that are often overlooked. by the end of the poem, it feels really conclusive and full circle because you repeat what you mean in the beginning but under a different light--under the light of that person as a friend to all which i think is really really sweet.

this is such a difficult question--i have too many! i think i would say my favorite line is "she takes her / shoes off, / to feel the / ever-shifting sands / of hope / beneath her feet. " because it's so descriptive like i can picture standing on the beach with the sand between my toes but at the same time the sand is also hope and it's like how you're standing on hope, even if it shifts, which is such a gorgeous picture that you paint here.

i added a lot of comments in the highlighted sections, so definitely check those out! i would suggest reading your poem out loud and checking your punctuation because sometimes i feel like it disrupts the flow a bit. so the way i'd suggest you do it is to take a short pause with the line breaks but then if there's a period/comma, actually take a breath, because the line breaks with the punctuation really helps to slow the reader down and digest every word, but at the same time it may also ruin the flow that you have going when you're connecting and weaving several points together that are all tied to the same overall topic.

this is a really strong poem! you have a lot of beautiful imagery and you really transported me to the different places with your words and helped me picture what you were seeing, so well done! especially for being new to poetry, i mean wow this is a really really strong beginning! keep writing (and also keep writing poetry!) because i know you'll go far! best of luck in the competition!!

Reviewer Comments

super well written!! please please please know that all my comments are purely suggestional so don't feel obligated to apply them! i hope this review is helpful to you! oh and i think i prefer the one i reviewed more than the one in the footnotes because it feels more natural and flow-y, matching the tone you have throughout? but of course, it's your decision so these are just my thoughts. best of luck, rwong <3 <3