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Message to Readers
i hope you liked this, its just the first draft and needs a lot of help to become better. here are a few questions you could answer (if you like) while reviewing or commenting :))
1) is the change within the italic and normal words visible?
2) is the title all right? do suggest how i can make it better
3) are the rhymes okay?
4) what emotions, feelings does this strike within you?
5) is the repetition of the last two lines a good idea?
I think your poem is beautiful. It is actually very captivating. The main thing I would work on is providing clarity as to the overall message of the poem. I think you hint at it, but maybe answer some of these questions in your poem: What is the end goal? How do the two stories (italicized and not) go together? Are you creating another world, living in it, etc? I think your descriptions are stunning and your stanzas intriguing, but it still needs that clarity, in my opinion. Of course, this is the first draft, so you can still do a lot.
“It was then that I promised to create,
a mistake that could never be tracked back to me.”
I really love this. It’s like, you can create beautiful things and not be punished for it.
I think if you added a stanza or two that really tied all of this together(answering the questions, maybe), that it would really complete the poem. I also think of you were more descriptive, or even personified the things you’ve already written, that it would really be immersive and help the poem along.
You’re a great writer! I think you’re poem is really beautiful. You should totally keep writing.
You have really beautiful language here, and it is overall a wonderful read.
1, yes, the change is visible, as well as the change in story.
2, I’m not the best with titles, but I like it. It depends on what you want the end goal to be.
3, yes, I like the rhymes. The only critique I would have is that they’re all not in the same format, but that’s a minor problem.
4, it’s melancholy, to me. There seems to be a sad vibe throughout the piece, but the end is a hopeful.
5, I like it. I think it would be better if you cut off, “yet,” at the beginning of the second repetition, in my opinion.
I really hope this is helpful and isn’t offensive! Remember all my comments are just suggestions, and feel free to disregard anything I say XD.