Peer Review by In Which Yaya Writes (United States)

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Pieces of shattered glass

By: Nikki



Men of bad habits and women with lipstick-stained glasses,
they dance all night in their pretty palaces.
While we search for love in the ashes.


Three years of hospital rooms,
I learned to find comfort in those white walls.
holding my mother’s hand as her perfume,
protects me from all the needles.

He enters causing everyone to stare,
they waltz under the bright lights and quick whispers.
Yet he’s running towards to the woods in despair.


I remember a day from when I was eight,
my sister was screamed at for lying to them
It was then that I promised to create,
a mistake that could never be tracked back to me

Brothers with a pact for life,
were poisoned by a simple longing.
for crown that came with the price.


My painful fingers tips and bitten cheeks.
I promise to you that one day,
I shall leave.
Yet, I’ll never forget to say goodbye.
Yet, I’ll never forget to say goodbye.
 


 
 


Message to Readers

i hope you liked this, its just the first draft and needs a lot of help to become better. here are a few questions you could answer (if you like) while reviewing or commenting :))
1) is the change within the italic and normal words visible?
2) is the title all right? do suggest how i can make it better
3) are the rhymes okay?
4) what emotions, feelings does this strike within you?
5) is the repetition of the last two lines a good idea?


Peer Review

I think your poem is beautiful. It is actually very captivating. The main thing I would work on is providing clarity as to the overall message of the poem. I think you hint at it, but maybe answer some of these questions in your poem: What is the end goal? How do the two stories (italicized and not) go together? Are you creating another world, living in it, etc? I think your descriptions are stunning and your stanzas intriguing, but it still needs that clarity, in my opinion. Of course, this is the first draft, so you can still do a lot.


“It was then that I promised to create,
a mistake that could never be tracked back to me.”
I really love this. It’s like, you can create beautiful things and not be punished for it.


I think if you added a stanza or two that really tied all of this together(answering the questions, maybe), that it would really complete the poem. I also think of you were more descriptive, or even personified the things you’ve already written, that it would really be immersive and help the poem along.


You’re a great writer! I think you’re poem is really beautiful. You should totally keep writing.


Reviewer Comments

You have really beautiful language here, and it is overall a wonderful read.

1, yes, the change is visible, as well as the change in story.
2, I’m not the best with titles, but I like it. It depends on what you want the end goal to be.
3, yes, I like the rhymes. The only critique I would have is that they’re all not in the same format, but that’s a minor problem.
4, it’s melancholy, to me. There seems to be a sad vibe throughout the piece, but the end is a hopeful.
5, I like it. I think it would be better if you cut off, “yet,” at the beginning of the second repetition, in my opinion.

I really hope this is helpful and isn’t offensive! Remember all my comments are just suggestions, and feel free to disregard anything I say XD.

Great job!

-Yaya