mirkat

United States

she/her│infp-a
est. 10/15/20

"take me with you, finished thing"
"too dizzying to love anywhere
but from a distance"

have an ineffable day!

<3<3<3

Message from Writer

thanks to paisley blue, rwong, wisp, and crystalline galaxies for all the love and support.

scribble chums with remi'sgotinkstains, useless :), and Starlitskies.

i think i'm a broken umbrella?

take a deep breath and
let tomorrow dissolve
into today;

i want to be loved // i want to tear you to pieces // i want to be the sun // i want to do this but // i can't

April 11, 2021

FREE WRITING

12

but do you love him?
i care more to be loved, i want to be loved
that it is not the same as loving


but it's something, isn't it? because i've seen the way he looks at her. she's the sun-- too brilliant and blinding to look away. and his face softens and his lips part and she loves him too. her eyes glisten and her cheeks redden and she laughs like early morning church bells on a swelling yellow summer day.
and it's more than i'll ever have, it's more than i deserve. because being loved would be enough, it would satisfy my savage hunger, if someone, someone, anyone would see me as their golden sun in a cloudless blue sky.
i don't even think i'm capable of loving, not when my expectations are too high, not when i am who i am, not when i collapse, crumble, fall. who would dare help me up? and even if someone did, if they somehow found me worthy, then i would have to like them, have to love them back. i cannot do that, i cannot love with the snap of the fingers like some god-forsaken magic trick. but no one else will be coming. so i keep, keep pushing people away because i'm a hopeless case, i'm a monster, a ghost, an imposter, in this girl's body. i'm waiting for the one who will never come. 
it's this paradox, okay? i want to be loved, be someone's sun. but i cannot love them back just like that, i need time and space and a heart, i need a heart. right now i'm all stone and there's a barbed-wire fence surrounding my glass blood pumping machine that sits in a prison cell somewhere in my fragile network of a body. and others aren't coming. i have one chance to make this right, make this last, before this someone runs away.
but let's be honest, no one's coming, no one's even tried to rescue me from my hostage of a mind. and so this is it.


 
epigraph is from little women. thanks for reading this gibberish? honestly now that im reading it, it makes no sense. unedited shtoof thank you very much. asnd oh dang it this is my 100th piece too... i wanted it to be perfect but instead you got this. im sorry, im sorry, i wanted to do better for myself. <3<3<3

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  • April 11, 2021 - 11:44am (Now Viewing)

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11 Comments
  • Wisp

    Replying: Ahhh!!! Em, you absolutely warm my heart!! I am so so so happy to be your older sister, and and to have such a sweet and loving younger sister such as you! :,)) You make my days so much brighter and so much more full of love. I will give you endless support my dear, for you deserve it all and so much more! I love you my dearest Em!!
    (Also how have I not followed you yet!? I'll need to fix that right now!)


    23 days ago
  • crystalline•galaxies

    re: oh my goodness, dear, you’re going to make me cry. i’m so glad that i’ve been able to meet you and interact with you during my time on this site — it’s truly been a blessing. i could thank you as well for everything you’ve done. you’re always so kind and ready to talk and your work is absolutely stunning. love you so much, and take care! <3


    26 days ago
  • crystalline•galaxies

    i remember reading this for the first time and having to sit back for a moment so that i could fully process. this piece holds something magical about it. it’s so well crafted and yet it feels so personal, as if the narrator is sitting right in front of me just listing off their feelings. but it’s polished at the same time? i don’t know how you did it. and maybe it doesn’t make sense, but at the same time, if someone were to sit in front of you and just let out all of their feelings, would it make much sense anyway? i think that there’s something here that we can’t reach, that only the narrator truly knows. it’s full of mystery, not confusion, as i still understood what it meant, but something deeper and more meaningful than it lets on.


    27 days ago
  • Wisp

    Okay first, Little Women is one of the beauts I have ever read. I haven't finished it since I've been insanely busy, but I absolutely adore it. So seeing that epigraph just made me smile, and the piece fits it so well my gosh!
    Also don't call this gibberish because it's simply beautiful, the title, the ambiance of it, just everything has me swooning. The first part about the observation of two people in love was just so sweet! Like I've never been in love or in a relationship, but if I were, I'd like to dream that that's what it would be like you know? I would like to dream that it would be rose-colored lenses and sunlight filtered mornings and smiles beyond smiles, and you capture that so effortlessly, so beautifully in this piece. And the whole part where you talk about how you don't deserve love? My gosh it broke my heart honey. I think that's a thought that crosses everyone's mind at least once, the thought that there is no other person for you out there and you're destined to be alone, so you find comfort in watching others fall in love. That's so striking and powerful and you capture that in a way that has me tearing up. Absolutely adore this, sending my love!
    Replying: Is that ME I see in your message box? Oh my gosh, I'm literally crying em, you just made me day/afternoon/night/week/month. Love you love you love you.
    Also sorry for this late reply, I came on and meant to respond a couple days ago but it was late so I got off and didn't have time to come back until now haha. Anyways anyways anyways, THANK YOU for your comment on that piece. It's one of those pieces that mean a lot to me, and reading your comment just put me in a good mood, because it means that someone heard what I was saying, it means that someone felt what I was trying to convey. It's utterly heartbreaking what's happening and I'm so glad that you acknowledge that, because some do not even do that much. Thank you thank you thank you hon, lots of love!


    28 days ago
  • Paisley Blue

    goodness this really hit hard, love. the epigraph is perfect, by the way. and your words? they're absolutely breathtaking. seriously.
    "i cannot love with the snap of the fingers like some god-forsaken magic trick" oh man this just made me exhale very very slowly. wow.
    this whole piece just.... wow. like. i hardly know what to say. other than, well, i guess, i understand? the feeling of total self-worthlessness? you're not alone. and please, if you believe nothing else about me, believe that i love you. i wouldn't be the same without you. can i help you up? because that's what friends are for, right? :) i love you mirrrrr <3 <3 <3
    (also, don't apologize!! dude i get that feeling so much... i've reached my "100th piece" like three times now because i keep taking a bunch of stuff down lol! besides, 101 is even MORE awesome than 100!)
    ;)
    re: goodness thank you! honestly i didn't expect anyone to like that piece, it was not my best work. but i appreciate the kind words!! :) huh, i'll remember that title! i'm terrible at reading books that are suggested to me (we just don't go to the library enough) but i'm writing it down rn...there :) oooh if it's like little women then i'll adore it !!
    my day is going well, i'm not being productive at ALL and i love it :) just planning out a little comic i'm working on with some friends :) i've literally been drawing pineapples all day!! hope yours is going well too!! <3 <3 <3


    29 days ago
  • nolongeractive

    OMG WOW! This is just amazing! And congrats on your 100th piece!!


    30 days ago
  • rwong

    omg mirrr this is so beautifulll and so heartbreakingly emotional and raw and it's kinda like uncovering the parts of yourself you would never want someone to see but it's so beautiful and honestly so relatable and asdljkf; also i agree with madeline, this may be unedited but that's what makes this so much more powerful. i'm really really sorry for whatever you're going through, text me if you wanna talk about it bc im always here <3 <3 you know i love you mir, and i'm sending all my love <3 <3
    on a happier note, congrats on 100 pieces!!! anyway have an amazing day mirrr <3 <3


    about 1 month ago
  • ~madeline~

    wow this is gorgeous. and the wording is so gorgeous. the part i kept coming back to was "i don't even think i'm capable of loving, not when my expectations are too high, not when i am who i am, not when i collapse, crumble, fall. who would dare help me up?" and the fact that this is something itself that it so relateable to so so many people. and to your footnotes, sometimes the most unedited, unpolished things make the most difference. the somewhat disjointed feel makes it so much more impactful in my opinion.


    about 1 month ago
  • useless :)

    congrats on 100 pieces!
    i love this piece, and the title is so good! i think it actually made a lot of sense, it was so raw and relatable and true.
    "there's a barbed-wire fence surrounding my glass blood pumping machine that sits in a prison cell somewhere in my fragile network of a body."
    this is just beautiful. and the ending...
    "no one's even tried to rescue me from my hostage of a mind. and so this is it."
    that hit hard, wow. the feeling of hopelessness that "and so this is it" leaves is such a powerful finish.
    those two parts kinda remind me of "mind is a prison" by alec benjamin. i think you'd like it if you like his style and haven't heard it yet :)


    about 1 month ago
  • psithurism

    Oh my... I don't think I've ever related to something more than this in my whole life.


    about 1 month ago
  • astrea

    Congrats on your 100th piece and I guess the luminary badge, not sure, anyway this is beautiful!!


    about 1 month ago