Avril

Canada

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your front door."

seventeen years old
joined June 2020
community ambassador alumn!

not really active right now :(

Message to Readers

I edited this a bit because I don't think the meaning was very clear. :)

Lost Little Lamb

April 15, 2021


1. A soft white lamb lay in the long grass.


2. A soft white lamb lay in the long grass. There was a smudge of dirt on one of its paws and a milk stain crusted yellow on its furry middle. 

Miles away, a little boy dumped the contents of a backpack onto the floor. 

"Where’s Lamby?" 


3.  A soft white lamb lay in the long grass. There was a smudge of dirt on one of its paws and a milk stain crusted yellow on its furry middle. The only thing preventing its plastic eyes from melting in the sun was the shade from a freshly-painted wooden cross planted in the grass.

Miles away, a little boy dumped the contents of a backpack onto the floor.

"Where’s Lamby?" His mother asked him.

"I gave her to Leila." He met her eyes. "Leila never got to have any toys."
I switched the oval-shaped stone to a cross because I think it wasn't clear that the stone was a gravestone. Yet I feel like it doesn't make as much sense this way because a wooden cross wouldn't provide that much shade...
Anyway if anyone has a suggestion I would love to hear it!

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12 Comments
  • ArtisticCatbird2020

    Poignant... was not expecting it to be a stuffed animal, and was DEFINETLY not expecting it to be for a lost loved one (if I interpreted correctly).

    Imo, "oval-shaped stone" makes more sense. I couldn't tell the cross was a gravestone/gravemarker until I read the footnote. (But crosses can provide shade!) Maybe describe the cross a liiiittle more... is there anything etched into it, like "In loving memory of..."? Though that could give away the final twist... hm. Just suggestions, of course; you are the author, so you have the final say. :)


    5 months ago
  • rose.on.fire

    re: I want to say that this poem is about everything and nothing, but it's more like it's about building up towards having everything and then having nothing in a split second. The change is so quick, you could get whiplash from it. Except you've built up a resistance to that disappointed, sad, feeling, so it doesn't affect you anymore. Or at least, you're trying not to let it. Mainly, this poem is about loses, small ones and big ones. It's about being told no, over and over again. It's about trying to share a part of you and then feeling discouraged when you get rejected, time and time again.


    5 months ago
  • vastexpansion

    re: Hey, no worries i get it. It's okay you don't have to review anything else


    5 months ago
  • sunshinetea

    Tysm!


    5 months ago
  • Hope_Snaffle [ChildOfGod]

    I'm really new to writing poetry/songs, and I was wondering if you could review my piece: "Okay" when you have time! It's for the poetry competition. ;)


    5 months ago
  • Hope_Snaffle [ChildOfGod]

    This was so sad and sweet at the same time... great job!


    5 months ago
  • Writing4Life

    Re: Thank you so much!


    5 months ago
  • acrosstheuniverse28

    Beautiful descriptions, and this made me start to tear up a bit!
    Re: Thanks! What is it with architects building schools without windows???


    5 months ago
  • sunshinetea

    Re: thanks so much! ^^


    5 months ago
  • Lizzie R

    Omg, this is so emotional and sad yet so beautiful and wholesome. I love it!!

    Re: Thank you so much omg you're so nice!!


    5 months ago
  • WrenBirdWrites

    Ahh I love this, just letting you know tho, for a lamb it would be a smudge on it's hoof... Is that pushy of me to say..?


    5 months ago
  • Nyla

    Ooooh haha, now I understand what you meant before. Wow, this is even more emotional now that I know that. And well, if you have a cross with maybe a wreath or some flowers it would provide more shade?


    5 months ago