Deleted User

Message to Readers

footnotes please cause i need a lot of help

the seasons of emotion

April 9, 2021


i. tears

Hold me in your hands while I cry the tears of salvation.
Let the salty droplets run down your wrinkled walnut fingers,
and hit the ground in an explosion of miniscule globules,
saturating the earth with the salty fragrance of the sea.

ii. spring 

Wipe my eyes with the silken petals of a lily-flower.
Catch the streaks of fire trodden by the water of the ocean that mirrors the sadness of life and death;
let it soak into the frosty fronds and bring about spring's rejuvenation. 

iii. deja-vu

Kiss my cheek with your cracked, bleeding lips, a mouth smelling of awakening and determination.
Set me down as the pungent smell overwhelms me;
I fall down dizzily, only to get up back up and stray into a nightmare of deja-vu,
left only with the memory of a pair of gruff lips grazing my cheek.
So I obviously need a lot of help with this. I wanted to enter this in the competition, but it wasn't really in poem format (originally it looked like this). So I changed it a little, and I would really appreciate if someone would review this! I'll review any of your pieces :)
Also, title ideas. I have no idea what to name this, so if someone would help me with that I will love you forever :)
Thank you!!
also do you think it would look better all in lowecase?

Login or Signup to provide a comment.

30 Comments
  • Nyla

    RE: Of course! And haha, no, it was so much fun to read!!
    Kids minds are honestly so hilarious!
    Aww I’m glad and yay! Awesome! Haha, thanks!
    And HAHA, it really is!! I mean why go through the extra effort to move your finger allll the way to the shift key?!!
    Aww, yay, I’m so happy it’s good!! Yeah, definitely! Although it’ll probably be a while because I want to write a lot of a first draft and then go back and see if I need to make major changes (probably most definitely will have to XD) But seriously thank you so much for all your support- it means a lot!


    5 months ago
  • Nyla

    RE: Aww thank you so much Serein! Your editing was great and awww thank you! I love how I was all like “be super harsh” and then in every one of your comments you were so sweet and like “so if you want to you could do this but it’s tooootally your choice”. Nothing wrong with that- just wanted to point out how sweet you are! <3 And now, you’re not lazy at all, you did all that!!
    Also haha, thank you for those formatting things! I am terrible at formatting and loll, I just went through and added spaces wherever I thought they looked nice XD but then I did some research and realized that fiction books actually have no full paragraph spaces!! (How have I missed that all along?! XD) And also ooh thank you for that capitalization thing, I do actually believe in God but it completely slipped my mind to capitalize the word when used in dialogue that way (so extra thank you for pointing that out :).
    Also wow, I do not shut up XD but I wanted to let you know that I’ve been experimenting and I think . . . the story might actually start a different way! It’ll still have that chapter you edited (thank you again for that), but just as the second chapter! That sounds so ominous but once I play around with it a bit more, you’ll see what I mean haha!
    Thank you again, hope you’re having an absolutely fantastic day!


    5 months ago
  • Nyla

    RE: Hahah loll!
    Of course! Aww of course, no worries at all and thank you so much again! Hope you’re having an amazing day! :)


    5 months ago
  • Nyla

    RE: Aww thank you so much!!
    Of course! And aww you’re so sweet! <3
    Aww awesome and thank you!
    Of course, it was beautiful! (loll if you've forgotten what you wrote in your comment word for word- that response will be just a tiiiiiny bit confusing XD)


    5 months ago
  • Rohan’s Defender (Semi-Active)

    Re: aww, thank you so much! You’re the best! I’ll miss you too! :) Talk to you soon, though!


    5 months ago
  • Rohan’s Defender (Semi-Active)

    Hey, Ari! I just wanted to let you know that I’m taking a short hiatus from this Monday through Friday. I just need a bit of time to reorganize my schedule. But I’ll be back but next Saturday, and I’ll really miss talking with you!


    5 months ago
  • useless :)

    re: thank youu :D
    ahah that's me for a majority of the time. i've been in an off and on writer's block for what seems like forever...now it's more of the type where you have a lot of ideas but don't know how to write them down and make them into something, and when you do, you're unhappy with the results so you're back to square one.
    thank you again!
    re: no problem! :)


    5 months ago
  • Rohan’s Defender (Semi-Active)

    Re: aw, of course!! I’m happy to get your suggestions! :)


    5 months ago
  • Lizzie R

    Omg, you'll do amazing in the competition!! I love this so much it's incredible and it flows well too! Ummm, for a title I think maybe something like "Rejuvenate Me"? Sorry, I'm not very good at titles lol

    You told me about a month ago to let you know when I made "Fake Smiles" into a song and I just finished it if you still wanted to read it. Sorry it took so long. I hope you're doing well!


    5 months ago
  • useless :)

    yess ur entering the comp!! :D
    you already know i love this haha, but hmm...title names. i'll try to think of some new ones bc my old ones were not-so-great XD
    since all three stanzas revolve around time in some manner, and it goes from wanting comfort to being lost in deja-vu, maybe "drowning in time" or "drowning in the essence of time"? oh you could also do smth like "my hourglass is fractured" or "fractured hourglass" cause those also are about a distorted-ish sense of time. sorry if those are also terrible, my title-brainstorming skills haven't improved lol.


    5 months ago
  • barelybear

    Re: thank you so much!
    I love these all! They are incredibly beautiful and contain so much emotion. I love the natural imagery you’ve got throughout, so maybe you could get a title from that? Or something that links to how you start each stanza with something “Me” like “Heal me.”
    Titles are hard haha. Good luck with choosing and with the competition!


    5 months ago
  • Rohan’s Defender (Semi-Active)

    Re: of course!
    Okay, cool! Aw, that’s neat! Yeah, his voice is really beautiful and emotional. I’ll let you know when I listen to those! Thanks again! :)


    5 months ago
  • Rohan’s Defender (Semi-Active)

    Re: okay, that’s cool! And I’ll let you know if I hear an update on when it’s supposed to come out!
    Also, I listened to “She’s in the rain”, and it was just sooo beautiful! Man, their voices are so raw and uplifting! It was cool how much English the song had too! Do you have any other suggestions by them?


    5 months ago
  • Rohan’s Defender (Semi-Active)

    Re: oh, okay cool! I officially became ARMY on Dec. 8th (I believe). Yeah, it feels like so long though.
    Okay, cool! Yea, I’m excited! And yesss, I’m waiting to hear when he’s releasing it, but I can’t wait! Tae’s so talented!
    Ooh, that’s neat! I watch BTS video episodes, but not really about people who got into the fandom. But I love interviews too. Aw, don’t worry, I watch random things sometimes too! XD


    5 months ago
  • Rohan’s Defender (Semi-Active)

    Re: I know! I love our conversations too! :)
    Haha, I know!! I feel like I’ve known about BTS for a long time too (but it’s really been less than a year). When did you become atiny exactly (if you remember)?
    Ooh, I bet that was cool!! So I heard it’s supposed to be released May 16th, but I’m not sure if that’s changed. Either way, I’m super excited! Plus, Tae is supposed to be releasing his own mixtape sometime this year I believe!
    Also, this is random, but does ATEEZ have a video blog series or something that helped you learn so much about them? I just wondered, because I’ve learned a lot about BTS from interviews and vlog type stuff, and you know a lot about your boys! XD


    5 months ago
  • Rohan’s Defender (Semi-Active)

    Re: lol, girl, I totally get it! :)
    Yeah, I know right! Who can look that good with any hair color and style?!
    Okay, that makes sense with ATEEZ too. And yay, I’m excited to talk about it! Why is it always so fun to talk to you about K-Pop?! :)
    Also, I’m so excited for the new BTS album this summer! I mean, I know it’s mostly just their hit songs in Japanese, but still. It’ll be the first album to be released since I’ve been ARMY.


    5 months ago
  • Rohan’s Defender (Semi-Active)

    Re: lol, I totally get it! I used to think that Hobi in the Dynamite music video was Jin, and then I realized it wasn’t and was like “how did I even confuse them?!” XD XD It takes a while to learn them completely, but then after you do, they all look soooo different, you know?
    Ah, yeah I bet! I like when their hair is more natural, and I think most of them look best with dark hair. But Jimin looks nice with kinda dark blond too, and then the shades of bright colors are fun for them all! XD Honestly, I they’d all still be really cute no matter what their hair color is. But it’s exciting to wait and see what color they’ll change it to next.
    Yeah, it’s sad to watch that performance. I’m happy that they left his space open though, because it’s like they wanted to acknowledge that he wasn’t there. Also, wow that’s really sad about Mingi too. It sounds like he must really be missed. I hope he comes back ASAP for you! <3
    Ooh, so cool! Thanks so much! Ha, don’t worry, I love K-Pop info! That’s really neat, and I’ll definitely listen to that song soon!
    Also, thank you so much about the piece! You’re so sweet! :)


    5 months ago
  • Rohan’s Defender (Semi-Active)

    Re: hey! Aww, I’m always happy to talk! :)
    Ooh, I bet he looks good with black hair! You know, I’m kinda waiting for JK to dye his dark again. I like it blond (I really liked it in Film Out), but I kinda just prefer it dark. Plus I’m kinda nostalgic with it because he used to always have it dark. But yeah, I can understand why a comeback (another one) without Mingi would be hard for you. I still get a little sad when I watch the BTS MMA performance while Yoongi was recovering from shoulder surgery. :( It’s so sad that he couldn’t be there in person, you know? And don’t worry, I love listening to (or reading, heh) your K-Pop rants.
    Aw, thank you! Actually it is Tae and Kookie, they just look really young in that pic. It’s from a poster in my bedroom, in fact.
    Ooh, so cool! Yeah, I lol definitely let you know! I’ll try to listen to it as soon as I get a chance. How many members does the group have?


    5 months ago
  • Rohan’s Defender (Semi-Active)

    Hey, what’s up, Ari?


    5 months ago
  • Avril

    Ohh the language in this is so incredibly beautiful. "Wipe my eyes with the silken petals of a lily-flower" - I love that! Also, to what you mentioned in the footnotes: I think you could do all lowercase if you want but I honestly love it like this! The way some lines start with capital letters and some start with lowercase is captivating.
    Re: thanks so much, that's such a kind thing to say!


    5 months ago
  • Lata.B

    OoOoo I really like this!
    Also yeah in my opinion I think everything thing lowercase would look better.
    You wrote this so well! So sweet and beautiful! Also, the title could maybe be "Why are you still on my mind?" or "pure love"?


    5 months ago
  • ria.x

    really good piece! i love the descriptions!

    re: omg you like ateez too? :D niceee


    5 months ago
  • Nyla

    Oooooh I loooove the imagery in here! Your descriptions are just so amazing!! Hmm for title maybe something like “Beginnings” cause spring (loll wait that’s really bad haha) but anyways this was soo beautiful to read!


    5 months ago
  • kathryn siena

    re: thank you so much :)


    6 months ago
  • Rohan’s Defender (Semi-Active)

    Re: aww, you’re welcome! Thank you so much; I’ll let you know if I think of anything! :)


    6 months ago
  • Yellow Sweater

    I just left a review! I hope it helps. Also for title ideas, hmm, maybe Salty Spring? Idk though.


    6 months ago
  • Rohan’s Defender (Semi-Active)

    Just sent in a review!! :) This is such a GREAT piece!!! For title suggestions, what about “uncertainty”? I don’t know, I’m not always the best with titles... anyway, hope you get the review soon!


    6 months ago
  • ~rain~

    i'm going to do a review on this, this is beautifulllllllll

    and how are you doing? i haven't talked to you in a while and i'm sorry about that :(


    6 months ago
  • The Coy-Fish

    Maybe you could name it "The Seasons of Emotion". I just got that idea from the name of the 2nd stanza. Don't know tbh.


    6 months ago
  • almost flora kane

    if i find some energy, i'll review this. super tired though, so i might not get to it until next week... like how it has begun, however! i think the three difference sections work well to be a unique factor of your piece.


    6 months ago