Peer Review by Avril (Canada)

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Until The Sun Goes Down

By: BizzleWrites


FREE WRITING

Stop the clock 
Stay with me until the sun goes down
Counting stars in the evergreen woods 
Let me see 
Did I ever tell you 'bout how you and me?

Stop the clock  
Stay with me until the sun goes down 
Reflecting stars in the wishing well 
And when you leave me to be 
In the woods by myself 
All I can say 
Is I wish you well 

Now the happiest time of our lives is over
And I want to know 
What's become of us 
Counting stars 
In each-other's eyes 
If only you and I could stop the clock 
Say a wish for more time 
Just tell me you wish we could 
Stay until the sun goes down 

Stop the clock 
Give me your sweater 'cause it's cold out now
The happiest time of our lives is over 
Counting stars in the wishing well
Say a wish for more time 
Lye with me until the sun goes down 


Peer Review

This piece has a wistful, nostalgic feel that pulls at my heartstrings! At some parts it even feels a bit magical which I absolutely love. The gentle rhythm of it makes it lovely to read. I also love the symbolism - the reoccurring theme of the sun going down seems to symbolize the passing of time, specifically the passing of time from a period of happiness/brightness to a period of loneliness/darkness, and the reoccurring theme of the wishing well seems to symbolize the feeling of wishing for something that cannot be. Brilliant!


I can feel a bit of a plot developing in this poem! In the first two stanzas, there's a feeling that time is slipping away, as the narrator knows that they are about to be left alone. Then, in the third stanza, the language shifts and it seems as though the narrator has finally been left. This felt really powerful to read because it was like I could experience the passing of time along with the characters. Perhaps this wasn't on purpose, but either way I loved it! In the final stanza, I think you should keep with this same narrative if you want. A lot of phrases from earlier in the poem are repeated in the last stanza, which I think is good, but what if you rephrased some of them to reflect a change in the narrator's situation? For example, you could try switching the line "say a wish for more time" , to "we should have wished for more time," or something like that. I think this would give the poem a stronger plot (not that a plot is necessary, just that it's cool!) and would add another layer to your theme of the passing of time. I gave more some specific examples of how you could do this in the highlight comments! Anyway, this is just an idea I had, but no worries if it isn't what you wanted to go for!


Reviewer Comments

As I said in my comment, this poem feels like a sad love song! The rhythm and repetition are lovely and the lines keep echoing in my head after I've finished reading it! I feel that this poem could be about so many different situations - perhaps it's about an elderly woman who has been widowed, or perhaps it's about a young couple who has gone separate ways. I love that it can be interpreted in different ways!
I hope my suggestions have been helpful to you, but no worries if they aren't. This was a beautiful poem and I loved reading it.
Let me know if you ever want another review or anything!