the sole indication i have not lost myself (yet)
are the remnants of unspoken words, ones i stumble
upon every so often at those dimly lit intersections,
and it's a shame that it's dark here,
as i cannot grasp ideas i do not see clearly.
i've resorted to letting my thoughts roam the corridors
of my mind, and search for the slimmest possibility of freedom,
while i stare foolishly at those words, strung together
with ribbons of frost and fastened on wreaths that adorn each grave,
the ones which mark every forgotten piece of myself.
they are scattered throughout the frost laden ground,
each layer of ice bringing me further from the surface,
from the gateway where reality and fantasy meet. the floor
is so thickly coated that freedom is merely a distant memory,
and i slip at every attempt to see all the way to sanity.
i tell myself i am not to blame, that everyone would
have tried to seek haven within the snow globe's
winter wonderland, the one sold on sale with the promise
that it would solve all that was going wrong in my life, but i forgot
that glass shatters and now my pleas are buried six feet below the surface,
with only my fractured state of mind for company.
i think i could force myself to get back up when i slip,
but perhaps i don't want to today. i've surely lost grasp of time,
as after i tell myself 'i'll do it tomorrow' for weeks on end, it becomes much
longer than just 'today', and i might've been here for hours
of years cause that's not clear but i know i've been here for much too long.
perhaps i am merely afraid of lifting my hands out of the snow,
as i would have to gather the frozen fragments of who i used to be
and piece them together. i would have to pick up the pen i buried somewhere
next to one of those graves and write an unedited version
of myself for all to see. perhaps it is easier to stay here,
because it's better than facing reality,
but i'm now quite certain i am both
captor and captive in this prison of mine.
uGh writer's block. is it supposed to last for a month? i've been feeling pretty unmotivated in general lately, maybe that's why...idk lol.
this is kinda dramatic (it's not about me but just some ideas i guess), and scattered and so unorganized, but i suck when it comes to editing. also, this was super forced heh
oh and ik the format's a mess, sorry.
i think part of my writer's block is because i've stuck the idea that i can only post really good things on here and then my inner critic getting mad at myself if i write something not considered good, so i just stop writing altogether and it's a pretty unhealthy mindset so ya know, i'm just posting something to try to overcome that, even if it's not good. but maybe that's my mindset interfering again so i'll stop typing ;)
but anyways, hola everyone. i'm maybe back? ish?
feel free to interpret this however you want to. it's pretty jumbled and if i tried to explain my interpretation, my footnotes would be intimidatingly long, cause i'm bad at summarizing stuff.
have a great day :)