Peer Review by Remaking_The_World (United States)

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Wars Within

By: Huba Huba


a young bird admires
the glistening brightness, the 
blueish haze of the ocean, 
reflecting the sky. little 
did she know, the ocean would 
drown her in its salt, and
its dark, melancholy, deep end. 
it was until then she knew regret.  

after surviving the fall, 
she sees a shining, conspicuous fruit. 
she is drawn to the berry; 
she knew the beauty radiated poison, 
for beauty had deceived her once already,
but
her feet could not stop inching forward. 

it was until then she realizes; that
regret begins our wages of war within, and
the fear of regret fights curiosity;
Intellectualism fights Emotion. 
the fight is like an indecisive rider, 
who orders a horse to turn left, 
but drags the partnering horse to the right.



 


Message to Readers

Review for Review please?


Peer Review

This poem gives a very melancholy feeling to me. In general, I enjoy pieces like this, that use metaphors to express some aspect of the human condition. It's done beautifully. I was left at the end feeling kind of... seen. The idea that you have the two inner personalities of your reason and your emotion and they cause conflict ("the fight") within you is a developed concept that you managed to put new meaning into. You made it relatable and expressive.


My personal favorite line is "the fear of regret fights curiosity." I think that line says it all. We as humans are designed to be curious and explore, but at the same time, we are often too scared to act on it.


I may be missing something here, but I didn't really understand the connection between the first and second stanza. Most likely, I just didn't understand something that was implied, but it might be a good idea to expand on the connection between the fall into the ocean and the berry that tempts the bird. Just a suggestion, and let me know if I am missing something! :)


I think if you expand on the concept of the first two metaphors that will help really deliver the meaning of the message you're leaving the reader with. However, the piece is fantastic as it is, and any changes you make are, of course, up to you! :)


Reviewer Comments

This is an amazing poem with such an important message. I think with a little more explanation and expanded meaning, it will do very well! Wonderful job!