Peer Review by Avril (Canada)

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Who did it?!

By: Jason_claire :)


FREE WRITING

Four people are sitting in a train car. There is a coach with his star player and a grandmother sitting with her college-aged granddaughter. The star player is flirting with the college girl. It's extremely obvious, and everyone knows it. The train goes in a tunnel, and the car sounds with two sounds. The sound of lips coming together and the sound of skin being slapped. 
The college girl is thinking: Wow, he kissed me, but I can't believe my grandmother slapped him.
The grandmother is thinking: I cannot believe that boy kissed her, and I'm proud of my granddaughter for slapping him.
The coach is thinking: I congratulate the kid for kissing the girl, but someone slapped the wrong person!
The star is thinking: Man, this is a great day! I got to kiss a girl and slap my coach!


Peer Review

This is such an interesting piece! Mystery is a genre I rarely read, and I loved your take on it. The use of humor was great too! In the first paragraph, you set up the story beautifully - the star player flirting, the age of the granddaughter, and the tunnel. Each line builds on the last one. It's so clever!


Okay I have two ideas for you! 1. Could you add some more details about what motives the characters might have had for committing the act? The motives of the grandmother or the college girl for slapping the star player are clear, but I can't tell why the star player would want to slap his coach. Could you drop a few hints in the earlier part of the piece to give the reader an idea about why he would? 2. I think you could give this piece slightly better flow, and also allow the reader to picture the scene more vividly, if you implied that each character is thinking something instead of saying it outright. That's kind of a weird way to explain it, but here's what I mean: for example, "The college girl's lips turned up into a smile. 'Wow, he kissed me, but I can't believe my grandmother slapped him'." See how it's implied that it was the college girl who thought that? Like, perhaps give a small description of what each character is doing (looking out the window, smiling, frowning, etc. ) and then just write their thought in italics. As long as you make a new line for each character and their thoughts (which you have already done) it will be obvious that it is them who is thinking it, and you won't need to write "------ is thinking"


Reviewer Comments

I hope my suggestions are helpful to you, but no worries if they aren't!
This piece is intriguing and unique. It's so creative; I never would have come up with something like this. The idea of a train going into a tunnel and something strange happening is super cool. I think you could make more stories based on that idea if you wanted to! I would love to read them :)
Feel free to let me know if you ever need another review or anything!