Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.
This is such an interesting piece! Mystery is a genre I rarely read, and I loved your take on it. The use of humor was great too! In the first paragraph, you set up the story beautifully - the star player flirting, the age of the granddaughter, and the tunnel. Each line builds on the last one. It's so clever!
Okay I have two ideas for you! 1. Could you add some more details about what motives the characters might have had for committing the act? The motives of the grandmother or the college girl for slapping the star player are clear, but I can't tell why the star player would want to slap his coach. Could you drop a few hints in the earlier part of the piece to give the reader an idea about why he would? 2. I think you could give this piece slightly better flow, and also allow the reader to picture the scene more vividly, if you implied that each character is thinking something instead of saying it outright. That's kind of a weird way to explain it, but here's what I mean: for example, "The college girl's lips turned up into a smile. 'Wow, he kissed me, but I can't believe my grandmother slapped him'." See how it's implied that it was the college girl who thought that? Like, perhaps give a small description of what each character is doing (looking out the window, smiling, frowning, etc. ) and then just write their thought in italics. As long as you make a new line for each character and their thoughts (which you have already done) it will be obvious that it is them who is thinking it, and you won't need to write "------ is thinking"
I hope my suggestions are helpful to you, but no worries if they aren't!
This piece is intriguing and unique. It's so creative; I never would have come up with something like this. The idea of a train going into a tunnel and something strange happening is super cool. I think you could make more stories based on that idea if you wanted to! I would love to read them :)
Feel free to let me know if you ever need another review or anything!