Peer Review by Jasmine_K (United States)

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Sweet like rotten wine

By: person random


FREE WRITING

rosy pink syrup dripped down her chin as
ivory white teeth tore into golden flesh
hollow amber eyes stare straight ahead as
slender fingers dig into grey rotting skin
a putrid stain on a sunrise sky

and down the street floats the scent of the sweetest peach wine 




 


Message to Readers

I'm really not happy with the word choice in the second line but I'm not sure what to replace it with. Any and all suggestions are welcome, not sure why I'm writing about a rotten peach but I'm sure there's a metaphor somewhere. Wasted potential or whatever


Peer Review

I adore the focus on colours in your imagery. The juxtaposition of hard/soft and beautiful/ugly is breathtaking as well.


I noticed reading through that some of your tenses don't match. For example, the first line uses past tense with "dripped" but the third uses present with "dig." I'd recommend making this uniform to streamline the piece!


Reviewer Comments

Since you mention you're not 100% happy with this word choice, maybe you could try something like "pristine white teeth" or "pretty white teeth"? The "p" sound might sit nicely against the "w" sound of white. Of course, it's your piece in the end, and these are only suggestions!