Deleted User

Message to Readers

i'm fine. really--don't worry about me.
just trying to vent :)

sometimes i just want to crawl away in a hole and never bless people with my face again

March 29, 2021

FREE WRITING

13

you don't know how much your words hurt me. 
they lash out, spitting fire, just to disappear--
leaving only a bruise;
something you don't notice until it starts feeling sore again in the deep dark of the night when no one is watching.

ugly words. that just add to my burden of showing
happiness
smiles
laughter.

all lies, lies.
meant to cover up the discolored misery that boils away in the inky abyss of my stomach.

your pointless words.
why? why do you feel the need of insulting me? 
why don't you think i never want to take pictures, or be posted on your tiktok?
know i'm ugly.
i just don't need you to tell me.

they tell me to "love myself."
all these stupid songs.
"it's a great message."
yes it is.
but what if i'm not my type?

oh how these shoulders ache.
i'm not sure I can stay standing much longer.
already my knees buckle, as i try to keep from falling...
 
Lol the line "what if i'm not my type" is from a bts meme that i just find so relatable and so funny. (don't judge)

So, anyways. This is mostly about my friend (who i love so so so SO much). She's great and wonderful, and so kind and so funny. But sometimes she can get on my nerves.
She likes to say things like "I think we can all agree that she's (my twin sister) is hot. But Ariana? Nah." And then she'll add a quick "just kidding." And I am pretty insecure about how I look.
It just hurts because I'm not vocal AT ALL with my feelings, and can often look deceptively like I am totally fine when I'm really not. No ones knows about my have insecurities, or really any of the sadness that is going on in my life right now. So yeah, it hurts a lot. 

Sorry this was long. Just needed to get some of this out.

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  • March 29, 2021 - 6:20pm (Now Viewing)

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29 Comments
  • Lata.B

    Oh aww this is just so beautiful!
    How are you doing? <3


    5 months ago
  • Jo Rejoicing [ChildOfGod]

    Aww! I totally get how you feel. Just remember: I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14) Having full confidence is having confidence in who God says you are :) And He says you are worthy (1 John 3:1), you are beautiful (Psalm 139:14), you have a purpose (Jeremiah 29:11), and He loves you (John 3:16). If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. (Galatians 1:10). I've found that if I focus on "How can I glorify God?" and "How can I express God's love?" instead of "Will they like me?" "Do I look good?", then you start to not care so much as long as you're glorifying God. And anyway, physical beauty is just whatever is trendy during a certain time period; does it really have a true, lasting definition?


    5 months ago
  • Cedric Diggory

    I would vent but I'm not good at doing that with people directly really only two people I can do that with I'm sorry I'm pretty sure I'm sure I'm depressed and not the "depressed" people say they feel and my life is a mess as you can tell by just the tittles of my recent pieces so.....yeah


    6 months ago
  • Nyla

    Aww, until I read your message from writer I was about to write a full-on essay! But still, even if this is just ranting, let her know how her words hurt you. What she says is NOT okay, but if you've never expressed your discomfort maybe she's just not aware that it hurts you! If you let her know, then maybe she'll stop!
    On to your writing: "meant to cover up the discolored misery that boils away in the inky abyss of my stomach" was wow! And the ending was just awww, but very powerful!
    RE: Aww thank you! And awww you’re so sweet! Thanks!


    6 months ago
  • Rohan’s Defender (Semi-Active)

    Re: yeah, seriously. :( I can see why ARMY is so upset; though making threats is taking it too far.... but I hope Tae knows how many people love him and are on his side. <3


    6 months ago
  • Zirong

    "all lies, lies.
    meant to cover up the discolored misery that boils away in the inky abyss of my stomach."

    wow, this is so sorrowfully beautiful. "what if i'm not my type" is actually a really clever and powerful line.

    also, "look deceptively like I am totally fine when I'm really not" -- same here :)

    re: thank you!!! I'm happy that you can relate to my piece :D


    6 months ago
  • Writing4Life

    Re: Oh that's great! Oh, no problem <3


    6 months ago
  • beth r.

    bts memes are superior
    you are awesome and I'll hit your friend with my croc
    re: yes spicy ramen hits different. thanks for the comment <3


    6 months ago
  • Writing4Life

    Re: Awww! No problem; that's good :) If she doesn't agree with you, or just brushes it off, she's not worth it. Aw sweet!


    6 months ago
  • Rohan’s Defender (Semi-Active)

    Re: it is. He’s such a sweet guy like you said, and the fact that someone would try to hurt him like that... it’s awful. But I guess it happens a lot, just bullying in general. :( We just have to do all we can to let people know how much they’re loved.


    6 months ago
  • useless :)

    re: np. also, i like your username! it's meaning is cool too :D


    6 months ago
  • Rohan’s Defender (Semi-Active)

    Re: you’re welcome. I’m happy if I can help in any small way. :)
    Okay, cool! Suga is super talented, like all of them.
    Awwww that’s really really heartbreaking. Poor Tae.
    :( Thank you so much for explaining it; it all makes a lot more sense now.


    6 months ago
  • Rohan’s Defender (Semi-Active)

    Ps. I just read this piece, and awwwww.... Ari, I’m really sorry about how your friend is making you feel. I’m sure you’re beautiful, but it’s easy to be insecure about the way you look. Sometimes I am too. I would suggest talking to your friend about it, because I’m sure she didn’t mean to hurt you. But I’m here if you ever need a friend, okay?


    6 months ago
  • Rohan’s Defender (Semi-Active)

    Re: yes! :)
    Ah, that sounds like it’d be really different. I hope he comes back soon; I’m sure you and all the fans have really missed him. How tall is he, out of curiosity?
    Hmmm... that’s really hard. Like, based in their voice or personality? Okay, personality-wise I can’t really say; they are all so unique and seem like such kind, loving people. I don’t know. I think RM’s rapping is really good, and his voice is pretty deep so it sounds great. Suga’s is really fast and skilled, and J-Hope is just so energetic. I love all of them, but I love J-Hope’s energy a lot when he’s rapping. Yours is Suga right?
    Okay, a little random: I heard something about V’s childhood bully coming out with information or something.... can you tell me anything else about that, if you know? I feel so behind on my information...


    6 months ago
  • ✧♬TwinklingLights♬✧

    re: no problem! :D


    6 months ago
  • useless :)

    like, every word of this spoke to me. including the footnotes.
    i used to have a friend who went way too far with the "funny remarks" too. and i totally get the "looking deceptively", i come off pretty light hearted in any given situation when i'm really not, and after she'd say something, i'd laughed it off but i kinda died inside lol.

    you should tell your best friend it makes you uncomfortable...i remember stuff my "friend" said bringing my mood down for the literal entire day, since my emotions can get rlly intense for some reason haha. i hope your friend stops doing that, and i hope you're okay.
    sorry if this was random, i just went through a lot of unnecessary hurt because of that and i don't want anyone else to. maybe a part of why she's acting that way could be the influence of social media. it changes a lot of people because of peer pressure, and sometimes they don't notice that change because they get caught up in it. so if you talk to her about it, she'll probably realize it's wrong.


    6 months ago
  • Rohan’s Defender (Semi-Active)

    Re: heheh, thanks again! :) Yeah, I listened to the teaser and it sounds really good!! :D
    Aw, that’s good (but sad that he’s still in hiatus). They only have two rappers out of 8 members?


    6 months ago
  • ✧♬TwinklingLights♬✧

    re: I like both but I feel like serein fits you better


    6 months ago
  • ✧♬TwinklingLights♬✧

    re: of course we are! everyone has their own opinion :D


    6 months ago
  • ✧♬TwinklingLights♬✧

    re: of course we can still be friends! and thanks for not hating. you say you don't support it because of religion but at the same time you don't hate o you seem pretty neutral :D
    also thanks for your feedback, I'm part of the community so it feels nice to know that someone neutral doesn't hate haha


    6 months ago
  • ✧♬TwinklingLights♬✧

    re: no problem!
    also ive been asking fellow christian writers this question a lot: whats your opinion on the lgbtq+ community> (pls don't unfollow me because of this lol)


    6 months ago
  • ✧♬TwinklingLights♬✧

    re: haha yeah hearing stuff from a thirteen year old...yeah I'm totally not a thirteen year old giving you advice... *cough cough*
    sorry lol
    honestly, if she's really your best friend then you should be able to talk to her about this and be honest with her
    also don't worry about venting <3


    6 months ago
  • Writing4Life

    This is so sad :( I think you should totally be honest with your friend; your friendship is going to be so much stronger if you tell her she hurts your feelings when saying that. And I can relate, I've had health issues for like 6 years, which means *hooray* wEiGhT gAiN, so I'm pretty insecure about myself too. If your friend is going to be hurting you, you have to tell her. (also haha I know someone called Ariana, we just call her Ari)


    6 months ago
  • ✧♬TwinklingLights♬✧

    re: yep, my names Alexandra!
    also, I am SO sorry for not responding sooner
    a telltale sign is how much its been happening recently. did it start with every so often and then gradually move up to this often? did the comments start as little and start getting bigger and bigger? also I think you look perfect
    again, I am SO sorry for not seeing that comment


    6 months ago
  • Rohan’s Defender (Semi-Active)

    Re: REALLY?!?? EEEEEEEEE YAYYYYYYYY THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME!!!!! Now I’m so excited, lol. XD That’s so cool about ATEEZ too!


    6 months ago
  • Ximena_24

    RE: This is beautiful, minimalist but sweet and tied with a ribbon of truth. I love that last line even if it is a from a BTS meme. LOL. I totally know how you feel, I want to thank you for what you said and after reading this I see we have some things in common. If YOU ever want to talk to anyone let me know. I'll give you my email or something. Because the world is mean and people's words can be sharp but together I think that we need to help the little girls in the world so that they don't have to feel less than ideal at any moment. Anyway, Thanks and good job! and byeee


    6 months ago
  • Rohan’s Defender (Semi-Active)

    Re: aww, thank you so much! Heheh, that happens to me too! :)
    Okay, cool! WAIT THEY ARE?! WHERE?! I didn’t know that, and now I’m freaking out! XD XD


    6 months ago
  • Charisse Marison

    Aww honey, I feel you. But don't let what your friend says bring you down! You are perfect just the way you are! I would tell your friend how you feel about their comments, I think you'd feel better!
    Also, BTS!!!! I just started getting into them. Anything I should know?


    6 months ago
  • ✧♬TwinklingLights♬✧

    dude, your best friend is stepping out of line.
    how often does she do this
    also I think a good name for you is Sophie


    6 months ago