Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.
Message to Readers
I really tried my hand at a dark horror twist. Let me know your thoughts!
Wow, wow, wow, wow! You are such a talented writer! I’ve got such a soft spot for dark stories, so I was really excited to read this! You definitely lived up to my hype - your tone and voice and ideas were so professional, and I could not stop reading. I would say everything in this piece was amazing, but alas, I must pick. You are the master of structure. You are fluent in sentence lengths and paragraphing that does so much to heighten the mood and the experience for the reader. And as a general narrative, you’ve got a great structure there too. Your tone and pace is assured; as I was reading I felt completely at ease in your hands.
I think the next step for you if you decide to redraft is to consider word choices. There are a few times where phrasing’s are odd, or you’ve repeated words near to each other, and I’ve highlighted some in the text. And in general, I think, since you are so great at descriptions, I’d love to see more. How far can you push yourself out of everyday vocabulary? There was a moment when you described Wanda as “Dead air.” This had such a great sense of foreboding, and really made the piece so rich to read. Are there any other places where you can add in some more gothic imagery? Anything dark or skeletal? Even just a brief sentence about the sun dimming for a second, or Maggie thinking she heard a noise. When I really love a piece, I describe it as delicious. These little foreshadowing moments could add those little extra sprinkles on this decadent brownie :D Ahhh sorry if that’s confusing, but I really want to eat this story lmao.
I know someone else in the comments was saying you should include more of a warning. I think that’s ultimately your choice. The theme is dark, but you’ve mentioned that in the title, and I think it’s manageable.
This piece has completely made my day. I’ve had such a fun time reviewing it too! Hopefully, you will find some of my ideas useful. I hope you redraft because I would love to see how this develops, but remember you absolutely don’t have to listen to any of this haha.
I hope you have a great day!!
Agh I don’t want to end this because I don’t think I’ve told you how super super extremely really wow-just-sensational good this is!! I love it way too much!