dee’s abditory

United States

sagittarius, dr pepper addict, INFP-T
~
i write music and poetry and sometimes stories :)
~
15yo
she/they please <3

Message to Readers

ayyyyy macarena

note: this is not proof-read, there may be some typos and all that jazz

Social Situations With Dee: Genuine Friends Who Need Some Help

March 26, 2021

FREE WRITING

14
Hello there, my beautiful young writers! I was recently contacted by one of our fellow authors asking how to deal with genuine friends who seem to always have a conflict in their life. And I have delivered, because i've had these types of friends before. They are good friends, but sometimes you may feel more like their therapist than their friend. Well, never fear! Dee is here to help!
Note: I am not a therapist or psychology professional. Please don't take my advice over that of a licensed professional. If your friend is depressed or suicidal, contact a professional. This is simply my opinion, and tricks that work for me. Alright, that's it for the disclaimers! On with the piece!

Genuine But Toxic Friends:

Surprisingly enough, there is a difference between the two. With your token 'toxic' friend, the person themself is the toxic part of the situation. With a Genuine Toxic friend, their situation is the toxic one.

A genuine friend will be someone that cares about you and loves you, as a friend should, but has so much going on in their life that they can't be as good of a friend to you as you are to them. Genuine Toxic friends may:

-apologize a lot
-cancel plans often
-talk to you about their problems, but not have the mental space to listen to yours
-make everything about them (not on purpose)
-have a hard home life 
-have one or more mental illness, like depression, anxiety, PTSD, anorexia, etc.

These friends are great people in bad situations. It leeches the life out of them, and makes them feel more like a sponge for your affection than a true friend. This can weigh on your own mental health, causing them to drag you down with them. I've seen this happen before. It's not pretty, it's not fun, and it doesn't help either of you.

How To Help This Person:

-Always be open to talk IN PERSON. It'll lessen your intake of their issues. You'll still be there for them, and they probably won't feel abandoned, but you'll be in a better state of health.
-Encourage them to see a therapist, or to talk to their parents about seeing one. I see a therapist, and it's absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about or scared of. Therapists are literally trained to help people. 
-If they already see a therapist, ask them if they've talked to their therapist about things. If they haven't, encourage them to. Make it clear that you will always care about what is happening in their life, but that their therapist will be able to help far more than you will.

What To Do When Your Friend is Making Dark Jokes:

If your friends are anything like mine, they joke about their problems rather than talking about them. Consider using this conversation outline when they're using dark humor. (DO IT PRIVATELY)

Them, on a groupchat: lol i just wanna kill myself
you, on a private message: hey are you okay?
them, probably: yeah, why?
you: you made a joke about killing yourself and i wanted to make sure everything was okay with (insert their situation)
them, probably: oh yeah its fine lol it was just a joke
you: okay, but know that i care about you and love you :)
them, probably: why are you so upset that i made a suicide joke?
you: well, i worry about you. i care about you and i dont know what i'd do without you...
them: oh. okay.
you: yeah. can you maybe start saying like 'i wanna commit a crime,' or something else? idk but the suicide jokes aren''t really funny to me bc i know that things aren't great for you rn so i just wanna make sure you're okay.
them, probably: oh, okay, sure.

BAM! you have successfully expressed your concern! And, bonus, you asked them to not make suicide jokes! Hooray! now remember, they may not be telling you the truth, but DO NOT PRY. this will make you seem untrustworthy, and then they may stop confiding in you, which we don't want. It may seem scary, but you'll have to trust that their guardians/therapist are helping them. 

If things get really bad, you can always express your concern to your parents. As adults, they'll be able do more to help than you will. Being a supportive friend is always great, but having adults that know about the problem is almost better, as they'll be able to have more leeway than you will.


Things To Remember:

-putting your needs before someone else's wants is not selfish! You need to be taking care of yourself. Don't feel bad about caring about your own mental health.
-Be gentle. These friends are in a very precarious mental state right now. They need to feel loved and cared for. Feeling abandoned may only increase their dark mood and cause them to take dangerous actions.
-Remind them that you're always there to talk. Ask how their day was, send them a meme, ask them to go shopping. Encourage them to get back to their 'normal.' Start with baby steps, and hold their hand for awhile. Sometimes, all they need is a push.
-IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO HEAL THIS PERSON. 
-IF SOMETHING HAPPENS, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT
-ONCE YOU'VE TOLD AN ADULT, THERE ISN'T MUCH MORE YOU CAN DO BESIDES BEING THERE FOR YOUR FRIEND. DON'T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

drop a comment with other situations you need help with! Im always happy to lend you an (online) hand. Stay safe out there, kids.
thank you to the person who requested this, i won't be saying your name for privacy reasons. have a lovely day, people, as lovely as you! (which is very lovely, by the way.)

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  • March 26, 2021 - 1:48pm (Now Viewing)

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7 Comments
  • Odysseus

    There are so many people who need this! Love it.


    about 1 month ago
  • Paisley Blue

    thanks for this, dee <3 if you EVER start to feel like i'm being toxic or anything, PLEASE tell me. seriously.

    thanks for this :)


    about 1 month ago
  • BlueWolf (Semi Hiatus)

    This is very insightful. It is a really helpful piece.
    Off topic but I really enjoy the voice that is present in your writing and how unique and fun it is to read.


    about 2 months ago
  • SunV

    Thank you so much for writing these!


    about 2 months ago
  • anemoia (#words)

    re: that's hardly self-promoting, since, you know. :)
    this was hugely helpful, dee. keep up the great work. you really nailed some of the specifics of the situation


    about 2 months ago
  • psithurism

    I am very lucky <3


    about 2 months ago
  • serein

    GAAAAH I LOVE THIS SERIES!!! Obviously we're friends online, but I can only imagine what a great friend you would make in real life! The way you're able to understand other people's situations and know what to do amazes me. I love you so so much and your irl friends better know how lucky they are!


    about 2 months ago