dee’s abditory

United States

sagittarius, dr pepper addict, INFP-T
~
i write music and poetry and sometimes stories :)
~
15yo
she/they please <3

Message to Readers

ayyyyyyyy macarena

if there's any other situations you want me to help y'all maneuver leave em in the comments :)

Social Situations With Dee: How to Deal with Fights and Toxic Friendships

March 18, 2021

FREE WRITING

21
Hello my lovelies, it is i, your friendly neighborhood Dee, coming at you with a few tips and tricks i may or may not use when dealing with toxic people and friends who I've fought with. I'll cover how to maintain friends you disagree with, how to remove yourself from toxic friends, and how to deal with friends you've recently had an over-the-internet fight with. These are just some things I personally use. They should not be used over advice from a psychology professional. I am not a psychologist or therapist. These are just a few things I find helpful. Alright, enough with the disclaimers. On with the piece!

Fighting with a Friend:

fighting is the worst, especially with your friends. When you feel that things are getting out of hands, you can try one of  these:

"I can feel emotions running wild and think it would be best to table this discussion until we're ready to continue it civilly."

"I don't think this is a topic we should debate in the future."

"I respect you and your opinion, but I can feel my patience running thin. Perhaps we could agree to disagree and move on from this subject."

These won't work all the time, but they can help.

AFTER a Fight with a Friend:

Oh no, you've had a falling out with your friend. You need some time to cool down. but wait... you have basketball practice together today! Noooooo! Based on the situation and the topic of the fight, you can do some of these things.

-When you see them, kindly say that you need some time to cool off after the argument. Tell them that you're prepared to talk it out, but not right now. 

-When you see them, give them a smile, and maybe try to keep your distance. This will give you the space you need without you having to talk to them! Yay! Don't ignore them entirely, though. You don't want tp give them the silent treatment. Make it clear that you need space, but still acknowledge their existence.

-DO NOT act like nothing has happened. This will teach them that what they say online will not effect your friendship, which should NOT be true.

When Talking Through a Fight with a Friend:

My advice here is to just apologize for anything you might have said or done. Starting by apologizing will usually make them more open to what you have to say. Follow your apology with a detailed description of what they did and why they hurt you. You can say that you'd be open to continuing your friendship, but that you'd expect an apology first. Your conversation, using this format, will look something like this:

"Hey, [name,] i wanted to talk to you about that fight we had the other day."

"oh, really?"

"Yeah. I wanted to apologize for anything I did to upset you or hurt you, that wasn't my intention."

"Oh. okay. thanks."

"I'm hoping we can still be friends, but I want you to know that what you [said/did] really hurt me. When you [said/did] [thing they did,] it was really hurtful. I'd like to continue our friendship despite that, though. If that's somethin you'd like too, I'd appreciate an apology."

"Oh, okay. Yeah, as soon as i [said/did] that i wanted to take it back. I'm sorry."

"Thanks."

and bada-boom-bada-bing! you have your friend back, and you have set new boundaries with that friend! hooray!

Moving On from an Ended Friendship:

things don't always end up that great, though. Sometimes, people need some more work and help to be a good friend. If they don't apologize, it may be time to lay that friendship to rest. Here are some do's and dont's on ending a friendship.

DO
be gentle about it. keep their number, wave when you see them, but don't make an effort to talk to them or seek them out.

DON'T
end everything in a blaze of fire. This will only add tension. don't block their number, don't yell profanities at them, don't glare at them when you make eye contact.

DO
continue to be friendly. sometimes if people feel like they've lost all their friends, they fall into a bad place. we don't want this person to think it's all their fault. continue to be cordial, but don't be overly friendly, or they'll think you want to be friends again.

DON'T
spread rumors about them or try to make them jealous. this will show them that you still care about what they think or still want their affection. it's also just rude.

Squirming Your Way Out of A Toxic Friendship:

There are always going to be toxic people in the world. unfortunately, that's just how it is. but life goes on, and so can you. this segment will discuss identifying toxic people, gently severing ties with them, and, just for fun, letting them show their toxic selves to everyone else.

How to Identify a Toxic Person:

a toxic friend will probably do at least one, if not more, of these things:

-go out of their way to critique you
-purposefully exclude you from things
-insult you and then say 'just kidding!' even when they weren't
-insult your appearance or other things under the excuse of 'im trying to help!'
-tell you youre overreacting when you get upset
-be rude when you express your interests or opinions

How to 'Out' a Toxic Person:

the toxic person will probably seem completely nice and friendly to your other friends, so you'll need to gather evidence. record phone calls or facetimes with them, screenshot texts, save notes, anything. you'll need solid proof to get the rest of your friends on your side.

REMEMBER: OUR GOAL IS NEVER TO TERRORIZE THE TOXIC PERSON, ONLY CONFRONT THEM AND MAKE THEM BACK OFF OF YOU

Once you have proof, gather in a group and make sure to include the toxic person. you'll want witnesses. maybe include one or two people in your plan, so that you have backup if you need.

Steps to Exposure:

step 1: gather evidence of their toxicness
step 2: gather allies (close friends, teachers, etc.)
step 3: gather in a large group for the confrontation (you'll want witnesses)
step 4: confront them about their behavior (i'll make a convo outline)
step 5: when they try to deny it, present your proof
step 6: ask for an apology
step 7: if they refuse, simply shrug it off. they're not your problem anymore.
step 8: give them space. let them cool down. things will get ugly if you come at them over and over and over again.

Exposure Conversation Outline:

YOU: hey, [name,] you've been kinda rude to me for awhile now. Can you maybe back off? i don't like being treated that          way.
THEM: i havent been rude to you, what are you talking about?
YOU: *present your evidence* well you may not have seen it as rude, but this really made me [insert negative emotion]           maybe you didn't mean to be rude, but i'd still like for you to stop and maybe apologize.
THEM, PROBABLY: i'm not apologizing for something I didn't do. you're just being a crybaby as always. cant you take a           joke? i was JOKING.
YOU: it may have felt like a joke, but it wasn't funny to me.
YOUR FRIEND: yeah, [name,] that was really rude. you should apologize.
THEM, SENSING AN ARGUMENT THEY WON'T WIN: ugh fine. im sorry.
YOU: thank you. I appreciate that.

it may not always go as smoothly as this, but it can if you play your cards right. If they sense that not everyone's on their side anymore, they'll give up and give in.

After Confronting Your Toxic Friend:

wiggle your way out from under their thumb. work on yourself. remember, you are not defined by everyone else's opinion of you. Most toxic people target ones they feel threatened by. Take it as a compliment. You are a queen. You are a boss. Don't take crap from anyone. 
Once you stop caring about what they think, you'll realize that they're not 'all that.' they're just as self-conscious as you are, but instead of working to improve themselves, they're putting down other people. 

Conclusion:

fighting with your friends sucks, and so do toxic friends. but if you know how to maneuver these kinds of relationships, you can overcome it. Remember, you are more than what they think of you :)
 
as always please be kind in the comments :)

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13 Comments
  • anemoia (#words)

    re: thank you so much. :)


    about 2 months ago
  • happygiggles

    This is so helpful, thank you so much for writing it! I, and many others, really needed this. Thanks for being the bay of comfort we didn't know we needed. <3


    about 2 months ago
  • _Delphiruns2theocean_

    Wow amazing! I'd like to congratulate you about something else as well, I love how you stuck up for others with the copy and paste situation with Jacob. It's not okay and I've tried calling him out on it, he doesn't seem to get the message and it's sad how he continues to do it :( I'm glad you continue to tell him it's wrong and I hope one day he'll stop trying to get follows out of mass commenting :/


    about 2 months ago
  • anemoia (#words)

    this was such an important piece for me to read. thank you for putting this out there. i'm curious on your opinion on a different type of toxic friend... not the kind that you describe, who puts you down, but someone who is a genuine friend yet always has some crisis/drama/tragedy in their life and it feels like they're dragging you down. for me i have a friend, maybe two, sometimes three, who are like this. and i want to help, i want to be a good friend, but it's exhausting to be the stable one all the time. what would say about this kind of friend? (and the thing is, i don't know what one of these friends would do without me or our friend group. she doesn't have anyone else, and i love her, but she lives in a crisis and pain-riddles world that i don't understand.)
    thanks, dee!


    about 2 months ago
  • Writing4Life

    Oh this is insanely helpful. Thank you so much for sharing this <3 I've had several toxic friends and difficult friendships which has been really painful for me, so this is so encouraging. It's been a struggle for me, and feeling like I'm not wanted or loved, but this makes me feel better. Thank you <3


    about 2 months ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    Wow. I'm bookmarking this page. Thank you so much. I'm currently trying to heal from a toxic friendship. I mean the friendship ended a while ago, but it still hurts. So I needed to see this.


    about 2 months ago
  • Paisley Blue

    huh, pretty good..... i wish it was as simple as that example conversation you gave... *sigh*


    about 2 months ago
  • psithurism

    "Oh no, you've had a falling out with your friend. You need some time to cool down. but wait... you have basketball practice together today! Noooooo!" sounds familiar lolol


    about 2 months ago
  • serein

    I love this! Even though I'm going through any of these situations right now, this was definitely really helpful--I might have to use some of these tips in the future!


    about 2 months ago
  • ~ carolina ~ {formerly rosi willard}

    everyone needs to see this!


    about 2 months ago