Peer Review by Caitlyn Mulcahy (Australia)

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Dear Mom and Dad,

By: Sue D. Niem


FREE WRITING

There’s something that I’ve meant to say a thousand times before,
    But the words get caught in my throat. And
    There’s something that’s been burning in my heart, and it’s more
    Than can be said in this note;
    More than can be said even if it was written in a library of books;
    And this isn’t very good, but as long as you understand,
    It doesn’t have to be, and there’s not any kind of handbook
    Tellin’ you how to say it, how to make it grand, So
    Trying my best to find the right words, here goes:
    There’s something my mind has said many, many times, but
    No one can read minds.
    Though the world would be better if you could just see inside my head,
    Cuz what’s troublin’ me is how to tell you that
    Your love makes my world go round.
    My tongue has this thing where it twists itself in knots,
    And this shouldn’t be that difficult to say, but something that I’ve found is that
    People make things much more difficult than they ought.
    And one of those people is me.
    So here’s what’s been runnin’ round in my head and in my heart:
    Thank you
    For the life you choose to save
    From meeting an early end.
    And it must not sound like much to you,
    Really, it was nothing, says you,
    You wouldn’t even consider giving up
    Your baby girl.
    But to me, it means the world,
    Means more than that,
    Means life. And I think that
    You should know that though
    My actions don’t always display it,
    My heart shall be forever grateful,
    Cuz it beats strong with the blood you gave it.
    Sorry this hodge-podge of ink and paper is so long,
    It’s just that it’s so awful hard for me to just come out and say it—after all,
    Your daughter has always been long-winded.

    With all my love,
    Erin


Message to Readers

We had to do this in Language Arts class, a thank-you-for-life letter to our parents... So I just wanted to get some opinions. Thanks for taking the time to read it!


Peer Review

First of all, I loved it! I was pretty much moved to tears. I love the line 'More than can be said even if it was written in a library of books' I think that's the line that made me click on you piece and read the entire thing, it's a really strong statement though conveying something emotional.


I'm emotional mostly, also really impressed with the way this is structured. I don't like dragging something out for dramatic effect however I think this was the perfect sized 'introduction' before you actually got to the thank you part. Well Done!


Did it take you long to think of how you wanted to word it, I mean, what you wanted to say before and after you delivered the main message?


Reviewer Comments

I'd say look at the words you used in some lines and see if you can find words that better fit or convey the message more effectively. 'For the life you choose to save' as an example, do you mean chose? Apart from that I absolutely loved it and it made me pretty emotional. Well done! Thank you for sharing the piece.