infp-a | 4w5

Message to Readers

i'm actually kind of proud of this piece. let me know what you think!

typo in the third paragraph: "what a painful thing it is," not "what is a painful thing it is"

God in the wind

March 16, 2021


the holy day is here again. my eyes wander from the man in the brown suit to the stained glass that reaches from floor to ceiling. i count the black iron crosses embedded in the window; each one sits upon an earth-toned hill, staring down upon me in silent judgement. when i was younger, i would trace the shapes with my finger, swirling it up and down and feeling the colors on my face. they tasted of conviction. 

i remember when i first met God. i was sitting above a slot canyon, etching hearts with initials inside them into the dusty red-rock with a stick. voices rose and fell below me, friends and family and teachers. if i looked close enough, i could see the glowing flames of the campfire they were all sitting around. but i could not look at them. the sky was too deep, the awakening stars too numerous, the wonders too endless. the wind blew, and i felt a breath through it, a reassurance that took all of my worries and tossed them behind me, towards the unbroken desert full of sage and cacti. it felt like contentment, and nothing more.

the last time i met God, i was in my front yard, outside for the first time in weeks due to the illness plaguing the world. summer-dried grass tickled my bare feet as i walked off the sidewalk. squeezing a rapidly-melting ice cube in my hand and relishing the shocking coldness of it, i sat down away from the view of the windows and turned my face towards the sky. it was framed by three pine trees, the inherent light pollution from the suburbs dimming the stars; i could see the moon, though, and it looked frigid and distant. it started off slowly as i asked for forgiveness just as i was taught, the confessions staining my tongue as they left my mouth. meekness turned to anger, and tears streamed down my face while i mouthed the words of my frustration, unable to yell but screaming in silence. the world sat around me in shatters as my body ached from the sin i could not shake. God was cruel, i realized; and even as the thought entered my head, i felt the wind again, my mind no longer knowing what to think. it was a small voice, a reassurance of something there, whether i chose it or not. i wept into the ground.

my attention snaps back to the pastor, still explaining the ins and outs of purity and the way god wants us to act. i had spent my whole life chasing their version of truth, forcing myself down into the mold set out and expected of me. worship every morning, ask for forgiveness every night. the world has nothing to offer you, little one; resist your humanity and embrace the unattainable. accept everybody in parts, keeping the sections of them that line up with your beliefs and throwing out the rest. you are broken and ugly because you are a human who needs god. godly people can give you god. just do exactly as they say. i wish i did not know what is a painful thing it is to shove yourself down until it needs to burst out. i look around at the rest of the congregation, all listening intently, noses buried in books and murmurs of "amen" escaping from their throats. it unnerves me, how unaware they are of the battle raging in my mind, the doubts that flood through like water free from a dam. a breath tries to fill my lungs; there is so much god in the air that it feels stifling, and yet, i can find no trace of God. this week, like so many others, i notice myself yearning for the service to be over so that i can go outside and feel the wind on my face. that is when i know Who is out there. 


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  • March 16, 2021 - 11:40pm (Now Viewing)

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  • Wisp

    Um okay, I was not expecting that, but my goodness I was not disappointed. The way you describe your version of what God is, simply is captivating. Like it's freeing how you show what God is to you, how it's not just something we observe or worship, but something that is with us even when we don't feel it. Sometimes I feel like religion is so much bigger than all of us, and that idea of it being bigger can make us forget the true meaning of why we worship them. I'm probably not making any sense, but what I mean is, we view God to be this perfect, self-sacrificing being, and that kind of thinking makes it hard to relate to it, but the idea of seeing God in our everyday lives (like the wind) makes the whole idea of worship much more relatable, and something we can find comfort in. You encompass that idea so splendidly in this piece and it's beyond any words I could muster. This piece is intense, yet freeing and that is just beautifully apparent.

    about 2 months ago
  • rwong

    dangg okok i had this open for the past week promising that i'd read it...but the read was definitely worth it!! this is so beautiful and it kinda feels like you're letting us into a little bit of your life because you explain your feelings and experiences so vividly and the descriptions and ahhhhhh i really really love this, tuffy. its amazing

    about 2 months ago
  • ScarlettLucian

    Wow, this is so gorgeous and fraught with emotion! As someone who has also struggled with growing up around different kinds of Christianity while figuring out my own spirituality, I really connected with this piece. Amazing job!

    2 months ago
  • mirkat

    yes wow i was enthralled, still am. i felt like i was choking on my heart kind of? wow so dramatic but really thats what it felt like to read this. beautifully haunting. the imagery as always spot on and every sentence hit. i love it. yeah my heart was squeezing... i find religion and god and everything so confusing too.
    reZ: thanks you tuffy! how are you?? im okay.... same old. i kinda just cant write anything i want to and it all comes out wrong so thats fun.

    2 months ago
  • Zirong

    this just flows perfectly :0

    2 months ago
  • Rohan’s Defender (Semi-Active)

    Re: I’m well, thank you!
    No it doesn’t bother me! I’m happy to give feedback on your writing. I really appreciate you being concerned, but I’m not bothered by the notifications! :)

    2 months ago
  • Paisley Blue

    beautiful.... :)
    re: thank you!! yes, i'm doing a bit of a series for lent; i'm only coming on here on sundays, but over the week i write poems and on sundays i publish them as a small collection :) i'm glad you like it!! this weeks and last week's are my favorites so far :) hope you're doing well!! <3

    2 months ago
  • Rohan’s Defender (Semi-Active)

    Re: hi! How are you? Aw, you’re sweet to ask again; I’m happy to give you feedback if you need/want it. So I’m perfectly good with you continuing to notify me if you want, or I can just check out your posts when I get the chance if you don’t want to mess with notifications. It’s totally up to you. :) Hope you’re having a good day!

    2 months ago
  • Caleb Urlacher

    "there is so much god in the air that it feels stifling, and yet, i can find no trace of God." wow <3 i have no idea what emotion that just conjured in me, but it was powerful. what an excellent piece. my vision got a little blurry at the end.....maybe i need glasses.

    2 months ago
  • Yellow Sweater

    You had me from that very first line... Incredible.

    2 months ago