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Message to Readers
Well, yikes, this is literally the 15th version.
And yet, I am still sure I have a thesis.
Help me please!!!
I know this is a controversial perspective. And I am not even sure i agree with myself. But I welcome debate!
I adore the first paragraph with your grandmother, and the reference back to the bombs and bon bons later on. Since the first draft I think this has developed wonderfully and is such an awesome and unique anecdote to share. Brilliant hook.
Trust governs our perceived truth, and thus sometimes trust should transcend truth in order to live a happy life.
I think the logic of each paragraph is really sound, and you flow from anecdote to your assertion beautifully.
Just two points!
First, I find the "truth is subjective, objective truth is impossible, thus most things we call realities are collective illusions" vs your use of the concrete word "facts" later on contradictory. How do we determine what is fact or truth?
I think you also should try to address the counter argument that questioning of the status quo is imperative for reform and change to happen... you do throw in a few sentences here and there to allude to your acknowledgement of this, but I think further elaboration of when to choose trust vs truth is needed.
You are really, really close I think. This piece is already very persuasive in terms of its structure, and I think once you add a stronger counter argument in it'll be even more so. It really made me consider a lot of philosophical (if that's what this is, I don't even know) questions and was particularly interesting for me because I have just studied the world wars in APUSH. You take examples from both the past and present, which makes your argument really well backed up. Very eloquent, and I can only marvel with how you condensed all that into an actually coherent piece. Your ability to be so succinct never ceases to amaze me.
I just want to note that all of this is entirely my thoughts and opinions and my own view on this is likely underdeveloped probably has all sorts of flaws, so take this all with a mountain of salt. The most important point takeaway from this should be the development of a stronger counterargument-- it'll make your piece a lot stronger if you define you position with more specificity and acknowledge the gray. Best of luck! :)