rat in a hat

United States

i'm pretentious and annoying but i think that's okay, i own two lava lamps. i love spider-man, ABBA, anything muppet-related, bill and ted, and matt fraction’s hawkeye. i hate sitcom laugh tracks.

Message from Writer

currently listening to stargazing by the neighbourhood

i've told you i loved you before but never like this

March 1, 2021

FREE WRITING

7

imagine i am throwing pebbles at your back window
the one your metal headboard presses up against
you push away the curtain and you see me and you see me circling my index finger to say “come downstairs, meet me outside your laundry room”
and you do, and you open your door, and i grab you by the collar of your t-shirt and twist
your face not even an inch from mine
there is a pause, just a second of a pause, and then i cup your head in my hands and kiss you

and i kiss you, and i kiss you, and i kiss you
and then i pull away
“i’m going to minnesota. not forever, but for a while. my extended family lives there, on my mom’s side. so, you know.”
and you do know.

“so.”

“so,”

and it’s like this,
has been for a while,
anything but easy.

you ask, why did you kiss me
and i say “god, you know why.”
you say you don’t know, and it baffles me.
i was obvious, i was certain about that, and it may have been more than a couple years but i was always obvious

but you don’t know, and i’m leaving, and i don’t want to say
i do want to say. i want to say everything, but i don’t know how.
so instead i lick my bottom lip and it sticks
inexplicably dry and i’m going to assume it’s because there is a desert between us and we shoveled the sand in ourselves

i lick my bottom lip, and i don’t look at you, and i can feel you staring at me
eyes angry and sad and betrayed and maybe i am imagining it but a little bit heartbroken. and maybe i’m just imagining it but god, i wish you were in love with me too and - i said it.

i wish you were in love with me too.
i don’t say that out loud.

i lick my bottom lip, and i don’t look at you, and i don’t say that out loud, and instead i say
“i’m going to miss you.”

“i’m sorry.”

“yeah,” i laugh, bitter and cracked a bit too far open and so stupidly, infuriatingly, against all odds in love with you, “i’m sorry too.”

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4 Comments
  • almost flora kane

    this, wow, i-
    i'm speechless.
    your way of storytelling is so engaging, beautiful and heartbreaking


    2 months ago
  • ???

    wow this was so amazing omg


    2 months ago
  • Ava Marie

    This is so beautiful and sad and I love it!!


    2 months ago
  • Sophiascb

    um ok I did not need to read something so heartbreaking at this time of night. Is this an exerpt of a bigger piece? I would love to read more of this! Ps- ABBA slaps ;)


    2 months ago