Peer Review by Jasmine_K (United States)

Below, you'll see any text that was highlighted with comments from the reviewer.

Tap on comment to view. Using a mouse?

Hover over comments to view. On a touch device?


exercises in clarity

By: spectral


FREE WRITING

close your eyes and

inhale; the ground under your feet and the sky over your head. the universe cups you in its fingers, and you can feel its heartbeat in its palms because its all around you, life sings within you and you

exhale; the flourish of a flag and the graze of a finger; bodies hearts minds move as one because in the end we're one- the music thrums to a stop, and time slows to a halt for a brief beautiful moment then you're up and you're chest is proud and before the audience begins to cheer you

inhale; shift your fingers near imperceptibly, the sound ripples in the hall- the music (you're making with your hands head heart oh it moves) breaks and falls and layers in waves of rhythm; the tide breaks in unison and you

breathe.

alright so i asked some people i know what brings them clarity- they replied scenery and playing/listening to music. for me, dancing in an ensemble/colorguard gives me clarity (among other things but how do i say playing minecraft brings me clarity in poetry hmmm??) thats what this is about.
its in exercise in the vibe bro yknow... i know im not the best in flowery prose/imagery/or whatever you wanna call it- i've always been a very blunt writer, and i know this, but i'm trying something different. will likely unpublish later, but its fun to see what y'all have to say.

Message to Readers

still highly recommend the end poem by julian gough ive been chasing that poetic high ever since i read it. i recommend reading it on the wiki, not genius, as it is formatted better there. dont disregard it just cause its from a video game, y'all, art comes in all forms and this is one of them.


Peer Review

The rhythm of this piece is what really made an impact on me. I was surprised actually to see your footnotes when you say that you feel like your writing is more blunt than flowy because I think you mastered it here.


In the third stanza, you start introducing a bit of abstract imagery that really elevates the piece. I would suggest adding a few more lines of this type of imagery in the first or second stanzas as well- it's done so beautifully, and I would hate for it to be lost because it only comes later in the piece.


Reviewer Comments

I really loved this piece and the vibe that it gave off! If you liked writing in a more flowy style I would totally encourage you do continue doing it because it suits you well.