Madelyn (Carolina Girl)

United States

I am a senior in high school. I have been on WTW since 8th grade. I am a Christian and am politically conservative. I believe that I can be friends and love anyone despite their beliefs. The world needs more love and encouragement, be that change.

Message from Writer

Hey guys. My writing seems to be life lessons in a way because I have a tendency to write about struggles or love in my poems. My goal is to make sure no one feels alone because despite your circumstances or your issues I promise you people love you. You matter. God loves you. God wants what is best for you. If you ever need a support system message me on here. I know life is really hard right now but we are all fighters and we can get through this.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
"Shoot for the moon and if you miss at least you will land among the Stars"
-Harry Potter, Maze Runner, Divergent
-Workout obsessed

My Life As A Novel Chapter 5

March 2, 2021

FREE WRITING

17
    "You think you have to have your life all together. You try so hard to be perfect. When are you going to realize that it is okay to not be okay sometimes?" I remember my jaw hitting the floor when in December my Christian Foundations teacher told me this. Mr. H has known me since middle school because he taught me in seventh grade. He has been my track coach all of high school and has taught me during my junior and senior year. I thought I was doing a good job of concealing the pain and exhaustion I was going through. Turns out certain people saw right through it. Other people never knew and if I told them my story they probably wouldn't believe me. But let's start at my first battle with mental health and then discuss the hell I endured for four months recently.
    When I was in middle school I had very low self esteem and did not have many friends which led me to feeling lonely. In sixth grade I began to feel very depressed and wanted to completely disappear. I considered committing suicide. But I could never bring myself to do that to my family and the few friends I did have. I constantly felt not good enough. I thought giving up would be easier. I would be in heaven I wouldn't have to deal with anything I dealt with. I must say sixth grade was a horrible year for me because I had a teacher who no  matter how much I did for her treated me horribly. I organized this teacher's book collection weekly and offered to get things from her car from her. I was very talkative and did not listen very well in middle school so she decided to combat that by calling me diarrhea mouth, saying I would go to jail when I was older and by throwing a stuffed animal at my face. My depression in sixth grade probably stemmed from how this teacher treated me. 
    I also felt a huge lack of God's presence throughout all of my middle trials. I ended up going to the principle's office on my birthday that year so it was really not good. I remember constantly praying to God and asking Him to show up in my life. I quoted Jeremiah 29:11 to myself often to encourage me to keep going. That verse basically saved me. If you are going through a mental health battle read that verse over and over again. God had a plan for my life that is why I am still here. In eighth grade after a spiritual retreat with my school I fell in love with myself. I gained confidence and joy. I began using my story to encourage other friends to not lose hope but to keep going. I thought I had fought the mental health battle and won it. I thought I would never fight it again. Then Covid-19 hit and brought a lot of things with it.
    I remember not being able to see my boyfriend and best friends for three months. If I saw them I certainly couldn't hug them. That was so hard for me because I am very extroverted. My best friends were all seniors last year so I watched my last three months with them be taken away from me and it hit me hard. But I tried to keep my spirits up. Although I was discouraged a lot, like many unfortunately, I was not depressed just unhappy.
    I remember in September I started feeling unlike myself and it slowly grew until the end of October. I was happy around my birthday October 1st but not completely happy. I wasn't my normal happy. By the end of October I could admit to myself that I was depressed. I think what did it for me is that my senior year was canceled and the fact that I was told to work extremely hard in school but have no reward. School without clubs and without my best friends made school hardly enjoyable at all for me. I know I am blessed to have had the ability to be in person but my school became a toxic environment for me. 
    In early November I went on a trip with my parents to celebrate the day I was adopted. On that trip I felt way happier and more like myself until some drama happened with friends in youth group at my grandparents church. One of my guy friends complained about me to some of the youth group calling me annoying and another guy took one of my friends phones and called me on it. The guy yelled at me saying I was annoying and that no one wanted to be bothered by me. My friends all said that they still loved me. But then two of them stopped talking to me. 
    I began feeling hopeless and I wanted a way out. The only solution I could find was self harming. I had told my best friend's younger sister who I was friends with about my depressed state and thoughts about starting self harming. She seemed supportive until she stopped being my friend without giving me a reason and tried to get her sister to stop talking to me as well. I began cutting to numb the pain. I felt like I was the friend who had to be there for others. If I am upset I have to swallow it and ask others how they are. 
    I had gone a few days after cutting the first time and my parents did not know and neither did anyone else. I never wanted to tell anyone. How does it make me look for people to know I self harmed on my hip? I am supposed to have my life altogether but I had never felt more lost and unsure and hopeless. One night my best friend M called me crying. I was worried about her and let her release her thoughts. She told me she was really struggling with body image and was afraid it would drive her to be anorexic. Something in me wavered and I told her I had started cutting. I thought she would yell or scold me or call me stupid for doing it. But she didn't. She asked me why and she promised to check up on me. I then told my new close guy friend J and he got very upset. He didn't understand why I would do it. 
    The third person I told was my boyfriend and fourth was my best friend from church K. For a while those four were the only ones who knew and the first three talked to me daily about it. My boyfriend was very upset I did not tell him first and in all fairness I should have. But I wanted to fix myself. I didn't want to make people upset. My boyfriend tried to be there for me but my mental health negatively affected our relationship. We almost broke up many times because of me not being as honest with him as I should be and for me not letting him fully help me. I said I would try other methods to get out my feelings that him and friends suggested but when it got to be late at night and no one was around to listen my mind went to cutting.
    I got so badly at the end of my rope that I told my boyfriend I didn't want to be here anymore. I was never happy. School made it so much worse. I ended up doing all of January and February online for school. I had gone almost all of December without cutting but then I hit January 5th and just lost it. I lost it over something stupid and cut so bad that blood beads dripped on my hip. I know other people have had it way worse than me but I hated feeling like that and being that way. I hated the way it made my friends and boyfriend feel. On January 6th I had a change of perspective. For a month I had told my boyfriend and close friends I would try to get better but I really wasn't trying. On January 6th I laid in my bed and poured my heart out to God. I realized I had been worried about the quantity of things not the quality. I wanted to feel happy again.
    The past two months I have had time for myself. I have been able to exercise as much as I want. I have been able to breathe. I was able to distance myself from toxic people at school. I have been able to become better. Now I am still not a 100% because of my college decision looming and because of the work I am putting in not giving me the exact grades I want. But I do feel happier. I do have a little ways to go. But I do not want to cut anymore and I don't feel depressed. My relationship has a long ways to come but he and I did it. We got through it together. We are working to become better. I am working to become better. 
    I went back to school in person on Monday and I was slightly excited. I was excited because of track. I have something fun to get me through my course load. I have laughed quite a bit the past two days and I really feel more like myself. My goal is now to be the energetic person and the encourager driving people to keep going. But to also openly communicate about how I feel. I don't want to go back I only want to move forward.
 
This is really personal. Please do not judge me. I want to let others know they are not alone. If I had been alone I would not be here today. God brought people in to my life and He used them to save me. God can save you from your demons too. If you have any questions comment them and if you need a friend COMMENT.

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  • March 2, 2021 - 8:02pm (Now Viewing)

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29 Comments
  • Writing4Life

    Re: Thank you <3 I agree.


    about 2 months ago
  • nolongeractive

    This is so pretty and simple yet relatable. I just love how emotional your writing it is, and how you pair it with so much simplicity. I cannot wait to see what you do next! You have so much raw talent and I am so honored to get to read your pieces.


    about 2 months ago
  • Writing4Life

    Wow. This piece is so real; thank you so much for publishing it. It means a lot to me, because I've really struggled the past few years. As I've already said, I've had health issues for years, and that's been really hard for me. A lot of the time I just feel out of place, and, if I'm being honest with myself, I'm depressed a lot of the time. Cutting....well it feels like a way out sometimes. And I have done it before, which I know is wrong, but..I think it's because I get so angry at myself for being this way, or reacting a certain way to something, and that's the only way I get out of it. Thank you for being so honest, it's really encouraging to learn that you got through it <333


    about 2 months ago
  • ✧♬TwinklingLights♬✧

    re: ohhhh I understand now
    thank you for clearing that up


    2 months ago
  • ✧♬TwinklingLights♬✧

    re: i'm confused, you think it's a sin but not the worst sin, and that teh sinners are in the right and it needs to be supported?


    2 months ago
  • ✧♬TwinklingLights♬✧

    i'm so sorry you had to go through this, I am here for you
    i really want your perspective on something
    what do you think God thinks about the LGBTQIA+ community?
    i believe he loves everyone


    2 months ago
  • Coolgirl2020 (LOVE YA ALL)

    I'm so sorry, hon. <3 Don't worry! No judgement here! Everybody has their demons and I'm so glad God helped you with yours. Sending all my love! ^-^


    2 months ago
  • anemoia (#words)

    re: thank you so much. hearing your perspective on it will help me for sure. i confess i do say "it's gonna be ok" a lot, so i'll avoid it. listening is something i'll be forever working on. sometimes i do say "it's gonna be ok. someday. it doesn't have to be now, or soon, but it will get there."


    2 months ago
  • ~rain~

    I saw your comment and I'm going to read this when I have the time to (dinner, so I'll review a few of these for you once I'm done!!). I did read your footnotes and I would love a new friend :)


    2 months ago
  • Jason_claire :)

    replying- Thank you, I think my mom caught the hint when it got really bad two nights ago, and had my best friend check on me every hour, so I think maybe it's resurfacing as something important. My real name is Ana, and again, thank you.


    2 months ago
  • _Delphiruns2theocean_

    Re: Thank you and I'm glad you're friends with them :) Also, yes but it's pretty frustrating to ignore them cause it's like they're getting away with it :(


    2 months ago
  • SamRose

    Re: Of course I will! And you'll make a great cheerleader! I was never the cheerleader type. XD


    2 months ago
  • doodleninja

    re: no problem! and thank you for your kindness and encouragement too! <3


    2 months ago
  • Jason_claire :)

    replying- I try with myself and I guess I still will, but I just decided because of how it all goes down I can't trust myself a lot of the time, but I'll keep reading my Bible every night and go to church and try because that's what I can do.


    2 months ago
  • Abigail Faith

    Re: Thanks so much for letting me know!! :) Sorry I couldn't check it out till now. :(
    WOW! Such an incredible journey!!! I'm sure this is an inspiration to so many people! Thank you for sharing!!! God bless!! <3


    2 months ago
  • Jason_claire :)

    replying- Thank you, it means a lot to me that someone is able to talk about this and not tell me to shut up or burst into tears or stare a me like I'm an alien because although those things are expected, it does absolutely nothing for me. I got up the courage once and told my parents not too long ago, but they didn't take it seriously, so I told a teacher which ended with my parents getting a phone call and me in a teams meeting until ten at night. After that, my mom started looking for a therapist, but the one she liked wasn't taking clients so she just gave up and it's like nobody cares about it anymore. I'm okay, I guess but it still gets really bad where I'm under threats so I can't let go of pain in the ways I want to which just tears me up because it keeps me in my brain and I'm way too scared to go through that cycle again and tell my parents they aren't trying hard enough. If you were to look at me, you'd have no idea I'm like this, and I guess that's why people stopped trying because they can't believe I have any sort of problem, and it's just really hard. Also, sorry I made this so long . . . .


    2 months ago
  • BriRiley

    Re: Aww thx!


    2 months ago
  • Tushar Mandhan

    mental health is equally important and we need to talk about it. i'm really sorry for what you've been through but i appreciate for sharing your story as it would give a ray of hope for those who are there right now.


    2 months ago
  • Rohan’s Defender (Hiatus)

    Oh my gosh.... this takes such bravery to share. Thank you for being that brave, and know I’m not always here if you need anything. I am so glad that you were able to have God help you.


    2 months ago
  • Jason_claire :)

    I'm going to spill something super personal right here, but everything you went through like the depression and suicidal thoughts and cutting I'm going through like right now. Like the boyfriend/best friend situation and everything. It's like you copied my life onto a sheet of internet paper. It's like God is invisible to me right now. It's like I'm not loved not matter what. It just hurts. And I want to cut but my boyfriend said if I do and h finds out he's breaking up with me because he doesn't want to feel the way he does when I do it. I'm not saying he's a bad person because he's great, but you just slapped me in the face now reading that someone has gone through the exact same problems as me.
    replying- thank you for the notification


    2 months ago
  • Kasilee

    Re: thank u, its from looking for Alaska by John green


    2 months ago
  • BriRiley

    I don't know why this is making me cry! And that's very unusual for me! Just ask my friend SamRose! I'm so sorry that you felt like that! :( haven't been so depressed that i want to cut myself or commit suicide, but i have been feeling a little down lately and this means a lot to me :) I think that's the reason i was crying. XD
    P.S Sorry i didn't read this earlier I didn't see it. :)


    2 months ago
  • A. Penderwick

    This is so powerful and vulnerable. As people have said, it was so brave of you to write this. You do an incredible job of describing the various events that led to your depression, and really showing how unkind words can affect someone's life. Thank you again for sharing this, and remember here at wtw, you have a whole community of people who love and support you.


    2 months ago
  • anemoia (#words)

    Sending so much support and love your way. This was so vulnerable, which is the hardest kind of bravery. <3
    What advice would you give to me if I have friends who are undergoing similar situations? Like seriously struggling with depression and self harm?


    2 months ago
  • serein

    re: Yes that is so true! People are so good at hiding their feelings (haha know that one from experience) it's hard to tell sometimes whether they're doing well.
    Anyway, I'm really excited for the next chapter!!


    2 months ago
  • serein

    Oh gosh I had no idea about this!! I'm so glad you are doing better. You are such a strong, tough person to be getting over something like this. Thank you for being such an inspiration. God has a plan for everyone, He is with you, and He loves you.
    Much love!!!


    2 months ago
  • doodleninja

    i really admire you for sharing this with us *squishes you in a big hug* :) <3 i'm so glad to see you're doing better, and that God could play a part in your healing process! you never walk alone as well :)


    2 months ago
  • _Delphiruns2theocean_

    Wow. First off, I applaud you for your courage now and then, you may not see it this way but telling people is incredibly brave. I'm relieved you're starting to feel better now. Never been depressed, but it sounds very hard. I had an incident just like this at church, which was until that point, a place I could be me, until a guy friend turned on me when a girl started a rumor I liked him. I got cyber bullied awfully and I didn't tell anyone for over a month until my friends convinced me too, but no punishment was given to my guy "friend". We're not friends anymore, I dislike him very much, but as I was cyber bullied AGAIN a couple weeks ago, by boys in my in person cohort, not as bad because I took screenshots and sent them to my school. They haven't done anything, but I've been pressing them to, because it's not ok for people to get away with it. Anyways sorry for the rant, I want you to know you're not alone and you're an amazing writer! <3


    2 months ago
  • SamRose

    Wow, it was really brave of you to share this experience. I am so happy for you, that you got into a better place and realized that you are wonderful, because you ARE. And you are also an amazing writer. I'm sure your experiences will help you help a lot of people. :) Luckily I have never been depressed or anything, but it seems like a really hard thing. Good for you for getting through that! :) If I had known back in December, I would have been here for you, and if you ever need to talk or anything, let me know!


    2 months ago