Peer Review by TopHat (United Kingdom)

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Through the Darkness

By: punk_princess_23


30,000-The number of people who commit suicide each year in the U.S. 

4, 250-The number of teens who decide they just can't go on. 

750,000-The amount of people who tried to kill themselves in the U.S. each year

Hardly anyone wants to talk about suicide
It's a topic that most people would like to avoid
Ignore
We think that if we don't talk about
Depression
Anxiety
Suicide
That will all just...

Go away.

But it won't
4,250 teens commit suicide every year
That's not counting the teens who just
Think about it
Or who try
And Fail

So much pressure is put upon teens to 
Do Well
And society tells us that we must
Look a certain way and 
Act a certain way
Even though that's just not possible 
Because we are all human.
And we are all unique, in our own way

Kids with depression think they're alone 
But what they don't know
Is the boy sitting next to them in science contemplated 
Suicide last night
What they don't know is that their waitress at the local
McDonald's was hospitalized for overdosing on painkillers

Suicide has become so stigmatized that
Some say you are weak
If you try to end your life
Some say you're selfish
But how can it be selfish when all you're thinking about 
Is how much people hate you
And how much they don't care?

How are you weak when you think
You're making life better for everyone else 
By ending your own? 

The average teenager will have a 
Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or Snapchat account
On a daily bases we see people telling us
What we should look like
What we should wear, 
And who we should be, 
Even if it contradicts our own feelings

So many teenagers feel that they're not worth it
So they try to find worth in someone else
Kids who are 8 years old are having their first kiss
Because love is something that we should experiment with, 
So maybe we can find someone who loves us as much as 
We should love ourselves.

I go on my own facebook and I see girls and boys alike 
Calling themselves ugly
Saying they're stupid, 
Telling the world that they wish it would all end

And yet we ignore it, 
We don't believe they want to do it 
Because they post about it so much
But maybe their just scared
Stuck in a limbo where they're 
Afraid to follow through
But even more terrified of telling someone
How they feel

Because no one will understand, right? 
No one cares about us. 
No one wants us around, 
We're ugly
We're stupid
And we don't matter

So why do we stick around? 

I am a onlooker
I have never had depression
I have never had anxiety
I have no idea what it's like
To feel on a daily bases that 
I don't matter
Because I know I matter

And I know you matter.
Because when I go to school, I see people
That would get into fights for their friends
I see kids who have hopes, and dreams, 
Who don't want to break people's hearts
I see kids who are afraid of what they're going to do
After school 
When we're adults out in the world
I see kids
Who are struggling, but who 
Still 
Get out of bed every day, and try their best
To make it through school 

Life is like a tunnel
Everyone starts at someplace
Some start in the light
And some
Start in the dark, 
And when you're left alone in the dark 
You feel like you'll never get out
You feel like that darkness will stretch on forever
But what you don't know

What 4,250 kids a year don't know
Is that standing next to you 
In the darkness
Are people just like you
You can reach out to them.
They're right along beside you.

When you feel sad, or lonely, 
Or believe that life cannot possibly
Go on
Just remember the tunnel
And remember, 
That even if you can't see what ahead, 
There's somebody standing, 
Braving the darkness with you, 
Heading towards the light ahead. 

“You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like there's nobody listening,
And live like it's heaven on earth.” 
― William W. Purkey

 

Suicide Statistics from http://www.suicide.org/suicide-faqs.html

Peer Review

The numbers grabbed me wondering what they we're about.


I wouldn't say an extremely new light, it's a highly covered topic but it did give an interesting perspective.


I think more writing devices... one word sentences, dramatic pauses, to the end the paragraphs lost my attention a little. Maybe make it sorter and bring in the first person narrative sooner but don't get too caught up in who you are.


It's going well but it does need more work! I think the beginning is really powerful but it looses some of this power later on. Also try working on a more imacting ending; the quote is good but slightly deflated, it's a very used and known quote, maybe change it to something a little more surprising? Or keep the quote but give it more of a strong build up?


Reviewer Comments

This is a tough topic and I think you've addressed it well. I'd recommend watching the short film "the fleeting little life of peter wright" which is absolutely fantastic, tackling suicide in a very different way to how it's normally perceived - kinda voicing what we all thing.
Also a film called Inside Llewyn Davis is more on the topic of folk music but also has some good quotes about the subject ("what happened to your partner?" "he threw himself of the Washington bridge" "-the Washington bridge! it's the golden gate, traditionally, the Washington, who does that?!")
but