United Kingdom

she/her, INFJ-A
fantasy/dystopian fiction
life goal = becoming fluent in le français
est August 2020
community ambassador alum :D
They tell me I’m 16 but I’m sceptical
the squirrel is back!!

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The Great British Brew-Off - The Next Contestants

February 21, 2021


Harry V/O: While many apply each year to be a competitor on The Great British Brew-Off, only the best of the best are selected.  

Cut to shot of contestant #4, Barry. He is dressed in blue overalls, trying to use spanners to pick up a tea bag. The judges and Harry watch him intently. 

Harry V/O: One of these real cream-of-the-crop types is Barry, a plumber from Gloucestershire. 

Barry: Alright there, Berry? 

Berry: (loses her posh accent) Yeah. You, Barry? 

Barry: Just makin tea, innit. 

Berry: Lush. 

Harry: (also without posh accent) Wassup, Barry?

Barry: Pretty chill, Harry. Reckon I’m gonna add some sugar or summut.

(for those of you who love accents, this line reads: pri-ee chill, arrray, reckun I’(half m, half nothing) gonna add sum sugarrr or summuh). 

All three at once: Lush. 

Saul stares for a moment, then turns to walk in the other direction.

Cut to shot of contestant #5, Douglas. He removes his glasses only to put on another pair with thicker lenses, then crouches to check the measurement of his water. 

Harry V/O: While some brewers like to wing it, taking perfectionism to the max is Doug, an acco—

Douglas V/O: Excuse me, presenter guy, it’s Douglas

Harry V/O: Right... Wait how did you get in here? 

Douglas V/O: I walked. 

On screen, Douglas has replaced his glasses with an even thicker set.

Harry V/O: Okay. Well, Douglas is an accountant who—

Douglas V/O: Do I think I can win? Honestly, it’s the questions like these that we really have to ask ourselves. Do. I. Think. I. Can. Win? Do I think I can win?

Harry V/O: Really, Doug, this isn’t an interview. This is just a little intro, you know? I say a few facts about you, the audience gets to know you, you make some tea. That’s what it says in the contract. 

Douglas V/O: It’s Douglas. Deep down, have I prepared myself? Really, truly prepared myself? For perfection? 

Harry V/O: Okay. Please can you leave? You are abusing my personal space. 

Douglas V/O: For a long time, I have pondered these questions. For a long time, my mind has been in turmoil. But I know I have my answer now. 

Harry V/O: Security! Someone? Saul?!

Douglas V/O: Yes. I’ve never lost a single race, competition, game in my life.

I will win this. 

Berry and Saul try to approach Douglas’s bench, but he waves them off.

Douglas (back to onscreen Douggie): You fools! I am concentrating. Tea-making is an exact science, an art of mastery! You cannot make even the tiniest of errors if you strive for brilliance.

Douglas tips the water he has measured down the sink and starts again with the first pair of glasses. Saul nods approvingly, while Berry and Harry share a look. 

Cut back to Saul with Maud. 

Saul: What.

Maud: What.

Saul: Are.

Maud: Are. 

Saul: You.

Maud: You.

Saul: Making?

Maud: Making?

Saul: What are you making? 

Maud: Aren’t you a silly dearie? I’m making tea. 

Saul looks right into the soul of the camera. The camera zooms into his face. His nostrils flare as he breathes rather heavily. 

Saul: She’s making tea, and I’m “leaf”ing 

Cracking jokes? It would seem Saul really has been messed up by his experience with Maud.  

Cut to Berry and Saul at the final, empty bench. Harry brings in Jenny. She is grinning, but the mascara smudged all over her face tells a different — terrifying — story. 

Harry V/O: Jenny is a 37-year-old pharmacist from London. She enjoys reading and walking with her dog, Hortensia. 

Saul opens his mouth to speak, but Berry stamps on his foot (by the way, she’s wearing heels, the utter legend). 

Berry: Hi there! What kind of tea are you going to be making for us? 

Slow, twangy guitar music plays. (Yanno, with the whistles and the drum and it’s really tense).

Saul begins a fiery glare, complete with raised eyebrow and thumbs hooked on belt holders, cowboy-style. 

Jenny shifts her weight and wraps her arms around herself. 

Dramatic close-up of Saul’s narrowed eyes. 

Dramatic close-up of Jenny’s eyes as she fights to hold back the tears. 

Jenny: L-l-lav

Saul leans in close, picks up her teabag, and sniffs it. 

Saul: Smells like lavender. And ineptitude. 

Jenny bursts into tears again, and runs off. Berry glares at Saul, who shrugs. 

Harry V/O: Why would anyone choose to name their dog Hortensia? It’s ridiculous. 

I listened to a lot of western music trying to find one to put in there, but they were all not quite right lmao. The closest was probably the theme from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. 
(Should be slowed down though). Anyway, what are we talking about? This would obviously be realised by the BBC, so we could just use their symphony orchestra and have some music composed for us. 


See History
  • February 21, 2021 - 8:35am (Now Viewing)

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  • Nyla

    Lolll, the whole time I was reading this series I kept thinking, what a BBC production!! I've only watched a few snippets of the in-tent cookoff thingy one cause my sister loves watching all cooking shows, but with the way you write it, I can really imagine it all happening lol. Also haha, I love Douglas, he seems like a character! This series never fails to make me laugh! The ending, hortensia, it really is a ridulous name!
    RE: Haha, I’ve written such a long message lol, have fun reading it!! :)) (ooh and you can take your time responding- I’m going on a hike today!)
    Awwww thank you!! And haha lolll! Any variation of a British accent is awesome though- it’s just a break from the boring accents here lol! I can’t even tell you how many random boys I’ve fallen in love with at first sight in England XD Yesss omg I’m sooo glad!!! He totally is and just ahhh, his character in Enola Holmes just *chefs kiss* like seriously- I mean, Millie really got to live out the dream! And yes- he has so much charisma- whattt? Ugh, you are missing out! Marvel is soo awesome, I have a Spiderman poster in my room XD Haha, I was never a super fan cause I was quite young when they were a band (or at least compared to the super fans who were already teenagers) but I did like close to all of them at one point or another XDD Anthony Ramos yess I agree! Cole Sprouse uhhhh, my friends definitely do but tbh, I’ve never gotten the hype (except for when I was like 9 and watched suite life on deck loll)
    Oooh how British! Omg wait, it’s the name of one of my favourite childhood book/t.v. series, Eloise! Have you ever seen/read it? I always thought the name was sooo pretty!! Haha, I’ve never found my name anywhere either, but awesome you found it in France- come to think of it, yes it definitely sounds French! HAHA, loll, my friend’s all call each other by weird hybrids of our names too- your name and nickname are both really pretty though! (You’re lucky, my friends nicknames for each other- well, most of them sound like boys names LOL) And hahah, lol, I used to be the same but then I started doing some volunteer stuff and school stuff and my name was going out there anyways (and plus, this site is for kids after all!)
    And yeah it is! Awwww thank you! HAHA, come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever had to do think of an animal lol (luckily!) but when I was younger and had to do acrostic poems of my name, I would get all annoyed cause the only thing I could think of for “y” was “youthful” loll.
    And awww, thank you again! Hahah, same here! Thank you- have a great day as well! :)))

    6 months ago
  • Writing4Life

    Re: Yas I love those foods too!

    7 months ago
  • Writing4Life

    Re: Aww tysm!

    7 months ago
  • Madelyn (Carolina Girl)

    Chapter three of my life as a novel is out :)

    7 months ago
  • Writing4Life

    Re: Thanks! Haha, well he'll be right in the end! Aaaa I'm glad! It's probably the corniest comment I've ever made but whatevssssssssssss

    7 months ago
  • Writing4Life

    Oh no! What's that swimming towards you? Look out! It's Chapter 1 of Dangers From the Deep! (damn that was so corny, I apologize)

    7 months ago
  • Madelyn (Carolina Girl)

    Chapter two of my story is out

    7 months ago
  • useless :)

    re: ahah np! yeah pretty random but oh well XD

    7 months ago
  • Writing4Life

    Re: Yassssssss! Np :D

    7 months ago
  • Writing4Life

    (re: yeyyyyy ty, u 2) Oh my gosh this is amazing :') I love Doug. And that theme music is so perfect lmao :P I would honestly watch this.

    7 months ago
  • useless :)

    oh and also, this is soo good. i love everything abt it, but like..."She’s making tea, and I’m “leaf”ing" ahahah that's gold

    7 months ago
  • useless :)

    re: THANK YOUUU! i'm officially 14!!! :D
    hmm...not exactly, there are a couple of layers, but they're more like if you drew the typical outline of stairs, (right, down, right, down, etc.) and then made it 3D but each "stair" was long horizontally, the in between part of the "stair" you don't walk on is cobblestone, and the part you do walk on is grass and trees and flowers, etc.
    that was probably super confusing XD, but it's difficult to put it into words.
    yeah, it's hard making a place look completely natural unless you're in a really unpopulated area...the commune (not the general meaning of commune but the french territorial division definition) my grandparents live in has less than 2,000 residents. i'm sure it's beautiful tho, i lovee shell cottage. it's so cool that their house resembles it in a way. i'm pretty sensitive to that kind of stuff tho, i haven't been able to eat red meat since i was 11 bc of this documentary my grandma had me watch abt awareness on how messed up factory farming was.
    srry u probably didn't need to hear any of that but thanks again for your super kind comment :)

    7 months ago
  • Parisienne

    re: aww thank you. Your comments make my day too, lil sis :)
    Hope you have a great day too :D

    7 months ago
  • birthdaycandles

    Ok LOVE this idea so much, Saul just had me in stitches - i’m 'leaf'ing ahahah
    Re: thank you for ur comment eee <3

    7 months ago
  • Parisienne

    Beautiful!!! I have no words for how perfectly you deliver this :)

    7 months ago
  • aloeg

    this is great! i love how you've represented the accents in the scripts!

    7 months ago