spectral

United States

黃愛莉
| she/her | chinese american |
memory & mortality & madness
and the player dreamed;
50~ Sept. 2020

Message from Writer

good time of day gamers! i'm gonna publish something soon, i promise. if you notice pieces disappearing im probably unpublishing them to submit.

maybe im a coward (but a coward doesnt try)

February 22, 2021

FREE WRITING

19
its 3 am and i think maybe maybe i should be sleeping but
im not sure i care anymore.
its me again and i might just be crazy and i might just be stupid
but i think i like it at 3 am because all of it is gone. but if its just me
and my light of my phone then theres no excuse for all those read-mes i left
behind in the haze that is life nowadays. and i promise i promise im getting 
to them someday but its just too much.

its 3 am and i think if i close my eyes when i open them my mind
is clear and im beside someone, maybe you, and maybe in this better reality
i remember how to form a smile and maybe i could even touch your hand.
i promise i promise im not weird or creepy and i know i wasnt this way before
but exhaustion catches up with one at some point, and i could stop pretending
were all okay.

its 3 am and im getting tired just looking at all the emails i forgot to reply to
but i cant muster the energy to say hello or maybe how im doing i guess.
im scrolling to the end of my dms and i find ours and im sorry im sorry i didnt
answer six months ago and i care i promise

(but if you care why dont you say so?)
its easier to walk past. its easier to move forward and say ill get to it later and
im sorry for doing whats easy. im sorry im sorry and i know you said i dont need to
apologize but im trying to do whats good and right now so why is it so hard
to reach out again.

(i know i said id stop but why does it feel like such a lie why people say
'my dms are always open' because your dms are open i guess thats true
but my heart is closed im sorry im sorry)


its 3 am and im scrolling through twitter again and yeah i know its not 
the greatest use of my time  or the best habit but do i honestly have
the strength to do anything else? my timeline is full of sorrow and i dont know
how to say 'im so so sorry i just dont have the strength or the money
to help you and im so so sorry but sometimes it feels like i cant handle
the responsibility of another tragedy
' in tweet form.

(there are just some things you cant put into words.)

its 3 am and i inevitably open our dm again.
theres no such thing as electronic silence yet here it is and its powerful
and i dont want to disturb the Six months ago that sits above your last text.
and maybe im a coward for that.
but i whisper to myself a coward doesnt try, letting my finger hit the input bubble.
i tell you i cant describe the weights shifting my chest when i tapped in
hello.
and a new bubble popped up.
hey again!
and its 3 am and i think my heart opens a bit.
 
ik im the one to talk but remember to stay in contact with other ppl. cause social interaction good blah blah blah yes mmm science
note: this is narrative poetry it aint talking about me (at least in a literal sense) the narrator is a fictional character, albeit a very real one
it should also be noted that the lack of apostrophes in contractions is a stylistic choice no i am not stupid yes i have learned grammar in the past no i will continue to ignore it

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  • February 22, 2021 - 10:55am (Now Viewing)

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16 Comments
  • JACOB HOUSTON

    This is so good; it really made me smile...also, if you have time, I would love it if you would check out my new song 'the farm' - had to reupload it because people were commenting negative things even though it was about my grandmother who passed away, you will understand when you read it.


    about 2 months ago
  • pyrrhic

    i..... like your profile picture...
    a ranboo fan?
    anyway, this is such a beautiful and entirely thought provoking piece.... wow. well done!!


    2 months ago
  • Cannon

    I really like the idea of "a coward dosn't try". It's very true, and a strong message.


    2 months ago
  • ✧♬TwinklingLights♬✧

    this is beautiful. I read it out loud and it really struck a chord.

    P.S: if this is you (I know you said it was a fictional character but still) then it's okay, sometimes life is too much and we need a break.
    and you said you couldn't put what you wanted to into words?
    you just did <3


    2 months ago
  • River Rae

    Re: Got it. Must have skimmed over that by accident. That's a really clever stylistic aspect!


    2 months ago
  • River Rae

    Ok first off this is amazing! Secondly, I may just be picky, but your i's need to be capitalized and there were a few other small errors. Again, I'm just picky. Great piece though!


    2 months ago
  • rwong

    woah. this took my breath away...its amazing
    also that title is amazing too
    ok this whole thing is amazing
    excuse while i reread this a few thousand times in class
    it's worth it


    2 months ago
  • Minvra

    Woah. Also I didn't even notice the apostrophe thing until you mentioned it. Huh, I must be very tired. Perhaps it's my tiredness but I imagine the speaker having an alto voice and saying line in one breath or until a comma comes. With the sort of tone or carelessness(?) Like Spinel from Steven Universe singing "other friends". Just like a child saying something in one breath I guess. It's difficult for me to keep up with texts too. Easy for me to shut myself in academics or read something when I want to be more sociable.


    2 months ago
  • Paisley Blue

    ahhhh i love this...... wow


    2 months ago
  • Toikupu~estVehementChirography

    Re: Oh it was just that you said you would continue to ignore grammar, even though you know it. Understandable. It wasn't an insult!


    2 months ago
  • wallflower

    I love and relate to this a little too much. I hope you're are doing better. You're incredibly talented and I loved reading this. :)


    2 months ago
  • Anne Blackwood

    "im so so sorry but sometimes it feels like i cant handle
    the responsibility of another tragedy"
    OH SHOOT THAT'S ODDLY SPECIFIC AND OUCH

    k that is all

    that was a lie i love this


    2 months ago
  • happy butterfly

    oh wait you only have 21 pieces,i think you deleted some.
    ughh bit i wish you published more often because i love reading your work,its one of my favourites to read on this site.


    2 months ago
  • happy butterfly

    me still wondering how youre so talented and only have 78 followers


    2 months ago
  • happy butterfly

    lollll your footnotes are such a mood haha
    ugh this is so beautiful,and it felt so raw that i genuinely thought it was about you. im happy that you arent feeling like this though.
    ugh your pieces have so much depth and emotion and theyre so honest,i loooove your honesty.
    "im sorry for doing whats easy." hdvdjhdbd this hits me in the stomach,i love this so much because i can relate to it and it hurts but in a good way because i feel like you said what i couldnt because i didnt know how to


    2 months ago
  • Toikupu~estVehementChirography

    Okay you'll continue to ignore the bustling hustles of new ideas, sure. Like the title


    2 months ago