journal.scribbles

United States

she/her
Asian American
Slytherclaw
INTP-T

currently:
-overthinking
-procrastinating
-perfectionisting

Message to Readers

This is one of the first songs I've written so I'd really appreciate some feedback, especially on the following things:

The fourth to last(? ughhhh i counted but forgot just now. and yes, i'm too lazy to go check) stanza thingy feels kinda wordy to me. Is it too wordy? Also the entire song in general, is it too short? Or too long? Could the structure be ordered differently to make it better?

Even just one answer to one of the above questions would be super helpful! Thanks in advance!

Tiffany

February 2, 2021

An unmoving car parked in reverse
Another melody without its verse
Ask 'em all the questions
Then return to the first
Needin' the light or the dark,
Which is worse?

She ponders the daylight
And wanders through stale flights
And fonder she grows of the road
And she runs 'til she can't breathe
But the noise inside won't ever cease
And eventually,
She'll tell the shadows,
'Come with me'

Tiffany
She sorts through all these
Everyday epiphanies
Tiffany

This great ball of atoms we call Earth
The semantics of soil and dirt
Answer all the questions
Then return to the first
Needin' the light or the dark,
Which is worse?

She ponders the daylight
And wanders through stale flights
And wonders where this path goes
And she runs 'til she can't breathe
But the noise inside won't ever cease
And eventually,
She'll tell the shadows,
'Come with me'

Tiffany
She sorts through all these
Everyday epiphanies
Tiffany

And ignores how she's stereotypically geek
'Cause she's more radio symphony chic
As she rides through these indigo imagery weeks
And discovers each hazy epitome leak
        
Tiffany

She clings to all these
Everyday epiphanies

Tiffany

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8 Comments
  • Rose A(hiatus)

    This is fantastic! Probably one of my favorites thus far! I love it. If I find the time, I'll try to write you a review or answer all your questions! Amazing job and good luck in. the competition! :)


    3 months ago
  • Zirong

    re: awww thank you so much for the sweet comment :3 though our experiences are a bit different, I totally get you! Talking just gets ever more energy-consuming as I grow up, and now I much prefer writing words down over speaking them out :D


    3 months ago
  • SunV

    Re: Thank you for the feedback!

    No, I do not watch station 19 (I do know what it's about though). I've only gone about 5.5 seasons into Grey's, just a bit after the merger. I'm in the middle of my finals right now, so no Grey's for me :(. But It's amazing!


    3 months ago
  • Zirong

    my god I feel bad coz I just realised I forgot to like this amazing piece last time...hopefully my comment showed how much I love this! :)

    re: awww thank you so much~


    3 months ago
  • anemoia by a thread

    oh my gosh loved this feel. i got a longing, wistful, aching vibe from this


    3 months ago
  • SunV

    It's not wordy!!!! I'll try getting a review in, but finals and stuff are coming up for me, so I'm not sure if I'll have the time. It's on my list though!


    3 months ago
  • Zirong

    This song is not wordy at all. The rhythm is great! I have to agree with Busssy. Beee about the structure of the song. The standard structure will make this piece much clearer.

    Ah for some reason I feel a natural affection for songs with names as titles...and "Tiffany" is a name with amazing vibe...love it!


    3 months ago
  • Busssy.Beee

    gosshhhh, your word choice is absolutely phenomenal! And then your phrasing/rhythm is really good too. I'm not a songwriter or anything, but the downbeats (strong beats) in these lyrics are really evident, which is great! And then some answers to your questions :D
    1) I think the fourth to last stanza is fine. I think because you do a great job emphasizing the downbeats, the phrasing seems fine as well as the word placement.
    2) the length of the song is great! i don't really see a problem with how many words you wrote so :)
    3) structure of the song? Well normally a song goes something like (oh and this is from prior knowledge of song lessons, but please excuse me if i'm wrong :\) intro/verse/chorus/verse/chorus/bridge/chorus/outro, or something similar to the lines of that. I hope that helps if you want to play around with standard structure!
    Overall, great, great lyrics + excellent word choice!! Amazing first song!!


    3 months ago